serendipity
by a1luxe
Summary: serendipity; (noun) 1. finding something good without looking for it. 2. an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident. 3. good fortune; luck. xx starting off at season 6. this is a fanfiction and as for that will follow some of the original storyline but not entirely. xx
1. no tears left to cry

**i. no tears left to cry**

_(song by ariana grande)_

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There is a moment in everyone's life when they find themselves staring straight into their turning points. In movies, it usually happens when you walk into your partner cheating on you or when someone dies; but it doesn't always have to be that extreme. The turning point is different for everyone but what comes after it, that's pretty much the same: change. Kahlani's turning point had come a few months ago and, like the stubborn rebel she had always been, she tried to ignore it. But you can't ignore a turning point, no matter how hard you try, because it feeds on your negligence and disregard until you find yourself at your breaking point. She could still remember the night she came close to breaking and that was the night that gave her the strength to change. Now change... Change is a bitch, change hurts, change obliterates but you do it anyway because you want to believe that it will be worth it on the long run; you want to believe that happiness or hope or fulfillment, whatever it is, is just around the corner.

But Kahlani White, or Nina as she preferred to be called, wasn't the kind of girl to believe in all that gibberish; oh no. She believed in going after what you want, building your own destiny and not taking crap from anybody. Now that, that was the reason she found herself in Seattle of all places. A rainy city she had never set foot in before, ready to start her first day as a surgical intern in a hospital that had just gone through a merger. Ok, so that might not have been the best idea she had ever had but she was sticking with it because Seattle Grace, now Seattle Grace Mercy West, had a very well-known residency program and Seattle is... Let's just say, Seattle is very far from Chicago while still being far enough from Los Angeles, making it the perfect place to live for now.

* * *

Nina had a fairly normal morning; she woke up at five am, meditated a little, went for a jog and had breakfast but, unlike the last couple of days, today she had work. She had only been living in Seattle for the last two days, which she had used to start unpacking but as she left the studio apartment she was now renting she was glad she didn't have a lot of things because they wouldn't fit into the shitty place her intern salary could afford anyway.

Being an intern wasn't anything new to Nina; she had been one for almost four months now and she had even started to feel a little over-confident in her skills back in Chicago but, as she walked to her new workplace, she couldn't help but feel somewhat nervous. It was a new hospital after all, filled with new people who wouldn't trust her as far as they could throw her because she was the new girl. Nobody ever trusts the new girl. But she was too type A not to believe she could show them.

* * *

"Chief Webber?" She politely asked after knocking on the door, as she walked into the Chief of Surgery's office; being told to do so by his secretary.

"Yes?" The older man looked up.

"I'm Kahlani White, sir." She introduced herself, walking closer to his desk as he got up. "I'm the new transfer intern." She offered her hand with a smile.

"Of course, Dr. White, we talked on the phone." He shook her hand with a smile of his own. "Please sit down." He gestured to the chair in front of his desk.

"Thank you, sir." She sat down, mentally preparing to grovel a little. "And thank you again for this opportunity, your hospital has one of the best surgical residency programs in the country! I'm incredibly grateful to be a part of it."

"And we are lucky to have you." He smiled at her words. "Dr. Hyams put in a very good word for you; she complimented you so much that I still don't understand why she ever let you go." He joked and Nina laughed politely.

"I'll always hold Dr. Hyams very deeply to my heart, she taught me so much but I needed a change of scenery..." She explained with a small, calculated smile. "Turns out, I like rainy better than windy."

* * *

After her talk with the Chief of Surgery, Nina left for the intern locker room where she could change into her scrubs and start looking for her resident for the week. There were only a few other interns inside as she walked in and they didn't stare much as she found herself an empty cubby and started changing.

"Hi." One of the interns approached her after she had finished pulling on the light blue scrubs. "You're new?"

"Yeah." She smiled. "Nina White." She offered her hand. "Transfer."

"Leo Madsen." He introduced himself while shaking her hand and pointed to someone behind her. "That's Sarah Hatcher." She looked behind her to find a brunette who nodded at her with a small smile.

"Where are you coming from?" Sarah asked.

"Chicago, Northwestern Memorial."

"Oh, great program! Why'd you move?" Leo asked and she looked up at him with a funny face. "None of my business!" He laughed, putting his hands up. "I got it."

"Let's just say I didn't like the East Coast much." She shrugged with a small smile.

"Who's your resident this week?" Leo asked.

"Dr. Yang." She answered, quickly noticing the two other interns wincing. "That bad?"

"Yep." Sarah laughed under her breath. "And on your first week..." She placed her hand on Nina's shoulder as she walked past. "Wouldn't wanna be ya."

"Can you point him out for me though?" She asked them as the three walked out of the locker room.

"Sure." He nodded. "But Yang is a woman, just so you know."

As they walked the hallway, Sarah pointed out a woman of medium height and black curly hair who had her back turned to them as she seemed to write on a chart at the nurse station. Nina smiled at the two interns as she nodded to thank them and took a deep breath as she approached the resident.

"Dr. Yang?"

"Yes?" The resident acknowledged her as she turned around to see her.

"I'm Nina White, I'm a transfer intern, and I was assigned to work with you this week." She tried to sound assertive.

"You're the new intern from Northwestern." Yang nodded in understanding and then seemed to give her an once-over from head to toe. "You're not another model, are you?" She asked with a frown.

"Uh... No." Nina frowned.

"Good." She rolled her eyes and turned around again. "Five rules." She started to speak again as she handed a chart to a nurse. "One, don't bother sucking up because I already hate you and that's not gonna change." She looked back at her with a smirk then back to the nurse station to grab something. "Trauma protocol, phone lists, pagers." She pointed and Nina quickly grabbed a pager for herself. "Nurses will page you, you answer every page at a run, understand? Don't be lazy, that's rule number two." She started walking away and Nina followed her closely. "You're an intern, a nobody, the bottom of the surgical food chain, you run labs, write orders, work every second night till you drop and don't complain!" She looked back at her sternly and she quickly nodded. "On call rooms." She opened the door to an on call room to show her. "Sleep when you can, try not to have sex with colleagues." Nina frowned at this. "Trust me, never ends well." The resident rolled her eyes and continued walking. "Rule three, don't wake me up unless the patient is dying; if they're breathing you better not bother me. But if you do bother me, that patient better not be dead when I get there; that's four." She stopped walking in front a patient's room. "Rule number five is that when I move, you move." Weirdly enough, the resident simply stood still then.

"Uh... Aren't we moving?" Nina asked.

"When I stop, you stop too." She entered the patient's room and Nina followed.

"Hey." The patient greeted Dr. Yang. "How are the Mercy Westers?"

"I hate them." Yang responded as she plopped down on a chair, Nina following into the room not knowing what to do.

"Who's this?" The patient pointed to Nina.

"My new model intern, Northwestern." The resident answered, making Nina frown. "Northwestern, meet Dr. Meredith Grey."

"Oh, if you're giving me a nickname I'd rather be called Chicago." Nina scoffed as she nodded in acknowledgment to Dr. Grey.

"You think you can choose your own nickname?" Meredith asked with a smirk.

"Well, since you're discussing it in front of me..." She shrugged her shoulders.

"Why don't you go get me a chocolate bar, huh, Chicago?" Yang commented with a roll of her eyes.

* * *

Lunchtime couldn't have come sooner. After running around all morning doing whatever it was Dr. Yang commanded, like getting her coffee and chocolate or running labs, Nina felt annoyed like never before. She quickly grabbed something to eat and scanned the cafeteria for somewhere to sit, finding Leo sitting with a guy she didn't know.

"Yang is the worst." She complained as soon as she sat down. "She keeps calling me Model or Chicago, I'm pretty sure she already forgot my name and she met me today." She rolled her eyes as she continued her rant. "I don't know why she doesn't like me, people usually like me, I'm very likeable."

"It's not you." Leo laughed at her rant. "That's just Dr. Yang." He shrugged.

"Plus the merger is just bringing out the best in everyone." The guy sitting next to Leo added with sarcasm. "Miles Woodley." He introduced himself.

"Nina White." She tried to give him a smile but she was frowning too much. "Are all the residents here like that?"

"Well... No one is as bad as Yang, to be honest." Miles told her.

"Maybe Karev." Leo added. "He's an ass."

"Yeah." Miles shrugged. "But there are a lot of new people too after the merger... We don't know them well enough yet."

"Don't even get me started on the merger." Nina heard a female voice say from behind her before Sarah sat down next to her. "Dr. Reed is a major bitch."

"Wow, you two are not having a good day." Leo laughed at the two female interns.

* * *

It was already night when Nina found herself sitting next to Sarah as they both waited for Leo to finish donating blood, having done the same just minutes ago. The day had been quite slow, Nina realized as she sat there; all she did was scut work all day, she didn't even get to see the pit once.

"Look." Sarah elbowed her and she looked up from watching the blood leave Leo's arm. "They're being paged." She pointed to the two residents who had just run out of the room.

"911." Nina whispered before looking at Sarah.

"ER." Sarah whispered back.

Both interns got up at the same time and bolted from the room where the blood drive was taking place. As they walked to the ER, trying not to run, Nina couldn't help but feel excited; she missed this feeling, the running through the hallway because there might be surgical patients' feeling.

"What do you think it is?" Sarah asked with a small grin.

"Three residents paged... Really bad MVC?" Nina tried.

As they walked into the ER, they gasped as they looked around. It was packed with people already and more were being brought in, everyone was everywhere, trying to help wherever they could.

"Mass casualty." Nina whispered right before locating Dr. Yang going to meet the ambulances and following her. "Dr. Yang, I'm here. Can I help?"

"Uh, you're an intern; you can help by not getting in the way."

Nina stood back at the dismissal, instead watching as the patients came out of the ambulances; a man with an axe still stuck on his upper body was carried out of the ambulance, then a teenager who seemed to have most of his body burned and an older man who was barely awake. Dr. Yang and a few other doctors Nina wasn't familiar with followed with the last patient.

"Roy Mackinaw, 56 year old firefighter. Fell three stories from a ladder, looks like a hip and femur fracture, maybe radius too." The tall dark-haired doctor explained as the pixie-looking one joined them.

"Get him 10 of morphine and get him admitted." The ginger doctor said and Nina jumped up at the opportunity.

"I can do that!" She said and Dr. Yang rolled her eyes but conceded.

* * *

"Abdominal scans show a liver lac and possible kidney hematoma." Dr. Adamson told Yang after she rolled their patient into the ER again.

"I'm gonna check on an OR. Page me when he's stable." Dr. Hunt told them before leaving.

Dr. Yang started checking on the patient, listening to his heartbeat as Nina took a quick look around; Sarah was writing on some chart with Leo beside her paying attention to a doctor speaking to a patient. Things seemed hectic; there was some kind of tension in the air that she couldn't quite put her finger on.

"Coags are stable, good. OR is ready." Dr. Hunt came over again. "Yang, you're with me. Torres, Adamson will call you when we're ready for the femur."

Nina looked up then, hoping but knowing that Yang wouldn't let her scrub in anyway; the woman did not seem to enjoy her presence. She started to help the three female doctors prep the firefighter for the OR as he kept mumbling painfully about the victim he let escape through his fingers, Nina looked on in pity thinking it was clearly not his fault. He seemed to become more and more agitated by the second as they started to wheel him out of the pit.

"V-Tach. No pulse." Torres called when the patient started coding.

"Start C.P.R. Bag him. Push one of epi." Hunt came running over.

"Charging to 200." Adamson said as she turned around to start prepping the paddles.

Just then, Nina in a sudden move thumped the patient's chest with all her might as she watched the monitor start beeping normally again, under the surprised stare of Dr. Yang.

"Or that works, too." Hunt said in a slow confused voice and nodded at her.

"Thanks. Had it." Adamson said as she put down the paddles.

"STOP!" Yang yelled at the little kid who had just picked up said paddles, who then started crying.

* * *

Yang had told her to stay in the pit, out of people's way while the firefighter was wheeled into surgery so that's what she did. She watched as the woman stopped breathing, the nurses rushing over and a tall male doctor with an open laceration on his face came over to help. She watched as he tried and failed to intubate her and then Adamson came over to try and fail too, nurses were rushing to the woman's bedside and she couldn't keep out of the way any longer.

"She needs a crike." She told them as she walked closer, the doctors looking at her in doubt.

"Move!" Another doctor showed up. "She's right." He nodded at the intern's idea.

"She's got no landmarks. I was hoping that... What are you...? Karev. You're going in blind?" Adamson said, shocked at the new doctor's approach.

The doctor ignored her and taking a deep breath and mumbling something, made the cut and performed the crike. Dr. Adamson then finishing with the ampu bag. She seemed fine at first and Nina stayed beside her along with Dr. Karev as they watched her to make sure she'd get better, but only a few minutes passed before she started to sink. She had a pulmonary edema, her B.P. was dropping, they had to move her into a private room. More doctors came over as they tried to do everything to help, everything they could to save her but... Everything was failing. She started coding and then she started bleeding out and then... It was over.

* * *

As Nina sat waiting in the hall, in front of the conference room where she and all the others sitting alongside her had been questioned, she couldn't help but think that maybe this was a warning. Maybe this day from hell, where nobody knew what really happened was a sign; a sign that she shouldn't have come here in the first place. She sighed and rubbed her forehead, she couldn't afford to start believing signs at this point in life.

The door opened again and Adamson came out crying, Kepner immediately got up to talk to her; they seemed to be friends from what Nina had observed all night. As they talked to each other quietly, the door opened again and the Chief asked to speak to Kepner. As the rest of them sat there, it became clear Kepner was the one getting fired.

"Shit." Nina mumbled.

* * *

As Nina joined Yang's side in the hall, after everything she still had at least another 24 hours of work ahead of her; they watched the firefighters show their support for Roy, who had just come out of surgery.

"Hey, is she gone? Did she leave?" Yang asks Adamson in reference to Kepner, who they all now knew was the one at fault tonight.

"You know what?" Adamson seemed to lose her patience. "She was good. She was a better doctor than I am." She snapped. "Just... Please shut up."

Adamson walked away from Yang to stand with Avery, Karev coming over and apologizing for hitting him earlier that night. Charles and Lexie soon joining them as they begin discussing April Kepner again; Nina could only feel annoyed at all their judgmental comments.

"What? You didn't make any mistakes today?" Yang interrupted them. "You've been distracted for the entire week." She said to Karev. "And who knows what you screwed up?" She turned to Avery. "But our patients didn't die and that's why we didn't get caught." She breathed loudly. "It could've happened to any of us."

That was the first time all day that Nina felt she could respect Cristina Yang and that maybe, just maybe, coming to Seattle wasn't such a bad idea.


	2. crzy

**ii. crzy**

_(song by kehalni)_

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_._

It had been almost a week since Nina's first day working at SGMW. Things started to feel like they were falling into place now; she had gone out for drinks with Leo, Sarah and Miles a couple of times, she was starting to learn how to handle Dr. Yang and her moods and she almost didn't get lost around the hospital anymore, key word being almost though. I mean, life as an intern still kind of sucked but she was trying to do the whole _gratitude is the attitude _thing and so far it seemed to be working.

"Hey." Sarah greeted as she found the new intern sitting down at a nurse station. "What you doing?"

"Updating charts." Nina held some of them up for demonstration. "Gonna be here a while." She huffed.

"I'm delivering lab results." Sarah complained. "It's gonna take all day."

"So thrilling being an intern, isn't it?" Nina spoke with sarcasm and Sarah laughed.

"Yeah." Sarah nodded and started to leave. "Drinks at Joe after our shift?"

"Sure."

"See ya."

* * *

A bunch of residents were inside a skills lab after being called in for a test, they sat there waiting without knowing what the test was exactly. Nina walked in as she had been looking for Dr. Yang for a few minutes now; having finished her assignment for the day, she was looking for something to do.

"What do you want?" Yang asked as soon as she saw Nina walking towards her.

"Oh, I heard there was a test." Nina said excitedly but quickly noticed the unimpressed look on her resident's face and went on to say what she had intended to in the first place. "I finished updating the charts."

"You finished?" Yang was unconvinced. "I gave you at least three hours worth of work."

"And I finished it in one because I'm that good." Nina grinned making the two residents behind Yang laugh a little at her confidence.

"You realize I will check your work and make you re-do everything if it's sloppy?" Yang continued, sounding as unimpressed as ever.

"I'm never sloppy." Nina shrugged, still with a grin. "What's the test about?" She asked as she looked around at the skills lab curiously.

"Go to the pit, see if there's anything for you to do there." The resident dismissed her.

"I already checked; nothing interesting." Nina complained. "Can I stay and watch?"

"No, residents only."

"Please." She begged. "The ER is a ghost town and I don't wanna go to the clinic." Yang simply stared at her and pointed towards the exit door.

Just then Dr. Shepherd walked into the room, being the one who had gathered the residents for the infamous test, making Nina look back at Yang pleadingly. She hadn't had the chance to work with Dr. Shepherd yet and seeing as she intended on specializing in Neurosurgery, she immediately jumped at the chance to watch him wok.

"Dr. Shepherd?" She gasped quietly to Yang. "Come on! Please, please let me stay!" She tried to look as innocent and sweet as she could at her resident.

"Fine!" Yang rolled her eyes in annoyance. "Back against the wall, like a plant." She ordered and Nina nodded with a huge grin.

She found a place to stand in the back of the room, walking away from her resident before she changed her mind and told her to leave. Dr. Shepherd quickly arranged a few items under the watchful gaze of the people in the room and cleared his throat to explain.

"Microsurgery is about precision. The microscope changes your perspective radically. The hand-eye coordination required can be learned but, right now, I need naturals." Nina bit her lip, if only she could be a resident already. "Each one of you will get a chance to guide this pen through the hole in the cup." He demonstrated it as he spoke. "The person who makes a mark closest to the president's nose and doesn't hit the side of the cup gets to scrub in." He did exactly as he said and showed the others the dollar bill with a small red dot right the president's nose. "Who wants to go first?" Everyone raised their hands.

For the next several minutes, Nina watched as every resident in the room got their chance to try and fail horribly. Dr. Yang kept making snarky comments about the other's shortcomings, clearly believing she was going to be the one to scrub in. Nina wondered why she even bothered if she was so clearly obsessed with Cardio anyway but she guessed the resident was just too proud to understand she may have some shortcomings.

After almost everyone had already tried, Dr. Avery got up to take his shot and was the first one to manage to pull it off correctly; even earning a compliment from Dr. Shepherd. Then Yang went and to her own utter shock, failed as she didn't even get the pen to go inside the cup.

"Ok." Dr. Shepherd sighed. "That leaves one." He looked at Nina who was still staring at her resident trying to calculate in her mind how mad Dr. Yang was gonna be for the next few days. "I don't think I know your name."

"Huh?" Nina snapped out of it, realizing he was talking to her. "Nina White, sir." She smiled small at him.

"Well, Dr. White, care to try it?" He smiled.

"Uh, she's an intern." Yang interfered to Shepherd's surprise.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Shepherd frowned. "This is going to be a very long and complicated surgery." He explained to which Nina simply shrugged.

"Can I still try though?" She asked with a small grin in excitement, no hurt in asking.

"Of course." He smiled and motioned her forward.

Being the new girl comes with a lot of setbacks but one of the few benefits is that people don't expect much from you and that makes it very easy for you to go and amaze them. Nina got in place under the unimpressed eyes of the people in the room who all assumed that if most of them couldn't do it, then she definitely couldn't either.

She aligned the cup and calmly took the red pen in her hands, concentrating her breathing and posture and only then lowered the pen slowly until she felt it hit the mark. She smiled to herself as she took a step back and took the bill in her hands, grinning now. Dr. Shepherd took the bill and stared at her in surprise for a few seconds before turning to show the rest of the residents her work.

"Wow." She heard someone say.

"What?" Yang scoffed lightly.

"Very well done, Dr. White." Shepherd told her. "You might be the one to take my job one day." He joked.

"Thank you, Dr. Shepherd." She grinned wide.

* * *

Nina was updating a new chart by the nurse station when Avery walked by and upon noticing her, decided to stop to talk to the intern. He walked up to her and leaned against the counter to check over what she was doing.

"So you have a thing for Shepherd, huh?" He said after a few seconds of standing there waiting for her to notice him unsuccessfully.

"What?" She looked up at him, frowning in confusion at what he was alluding to.

"You know he's married, right?" Avery smirked at the intern to which Nina scoffed.

"I don't have a thing for Dr. Shepherd." She rolled her eyes before looking back down to the chart she had in hands. "I have a thing for Neuro."

"Sure." He sounded unconvinced.

"He's really not my type." She laughed under her breath, thinking of the inside joke she had with herself regarding that sentence.

"What? You don't like the hair?" He mocked.

She didn't answer; she knew what he was trying to do. Avery was only trying to rile her up, probably annoyed that an intern had done a better job than him at the microsurgery test. Men and their egos; she thought to herself. It's not like she could even replace him, Shepherd wouldn't let her scrub in because of how long the surgery was gonna take. He took a few steps closer to her, too close to be considered professional in Nina's opinion, and leaned down to speak against the side of her face.

"What is your type?" He asked in a quiet voice.

Nina looked up from her chart to look at the resident closely. He had a small smirk on his lips, probably thinking he was being smooth or something. What an arrogant moron; she thought and rolled her eyes, closing the chart she had just finished.

"Anything but doctors." She answered with a mocking smile and walked away.

* * *

Later that night, the interns had found a table for the four of them in the back of the Emerald Bar and were already nursing their beers as they talked about their days. Sarah was stuck delivering lab results, Leo had been suturing all day and Miles seemed downright depressed over the four deaths the code team had that day.

"You're the new intern, right?" A short brunette approached their table, eyes wide while looking at Nina. "The one who passed Dr. Shepherd's test?" She seemed thrilled about it.

"Yeah." Nina nodded with a small smirk, wondering now if word had spread that fast to reach these two women she had never seen at the hospital.

"That's so cool!" The blonde standing next to the first woman gushed. "We'll totally buy your next round!"

"Oh really?" She laughed. "Thanks."

As the two walked away to the bar to order the promised round of beers, Nina turned to her new friends who were staring at her in confusion. They had all heard about the miraculous intern who had aced the microsurgery test earlier in the day but it didn't occur to them that it could be about their new friend.

"Seriously?" Sarah said first.

"You didn't even tell us!" Miles complained.

"I was getting to it." Nina defended herself, laughing slightly.

"How was it?" Leo anxiously asked. "Why were you even there? Interns weren't paged."

Nina then proceeded to explain how it all came to be, gushing about it because she was that damn happy about being somehow recognized on her skills. She could tell the others were happy for her accomplishment, even if they were a little bit jealous but who wouldn't be? What she didn't mention to her friends, or to anyone really, was that it wasn't by sheer luck that she was that good at microsurgery but that was a story for another time.

* * *

New day, new mind-numbing assignment. Plus Yang seemed particularly meaner now but Nina had already expected it and even tried to sweeten her up by bringing her a coffee and bagel before rounds. It worked somewhat, she only had the intern covering the pit for the day. She was walking back from getting a trauma patient to his observation room when she found Dr. Avery in the elevator.

"I heard some people are calling you the rockstar intern." He said after a few seconds of silence, making her turn to him in surprise.

"Really?" She grinned.

"Well, don't you look pleased?" He smirked and she rolled her eyes and looked away.

"Yang keeps calling me model." She told him. "But rockstar? I can deal with that. So yeah, I'm very pleased." He laughed. "But seriously, how was the surgery yesterday?" She turned to him again, eager to hear about the inoperable tumor everyone had been gossiping about.

"Well..." He tried to find the right words. "It was more complicated than we even thought." He sighed. "Shepherd just stared at the thing for hours... It was too big, too many risks."

"Oh." Nina felt disappointed. "He didn't remove it?" She bit her lips. "Poor Isaac."

"Oh but he's removing it alright." She looked up, confused. "Today." Avery smiled.

* * *

Nina walked the hallways like a madwoman, a crazy intern on a mission. She couldn't let an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity pass her by twice! I mean, yesterday she was understanding; she's aware she's only an intern and her stamina isn't as good as the residents and attendings' stamina yet but... This felt like a sign, right? She missed the opportunity to fight to be in that surgery and now they're having the surgery again, definitely something that never happens so it had to be a sign.

"Dr. Shepherd?" She found who she was looking for.

"Yes?" He turned to look at her. "White, right?" He seemed to remember her from before.

"Yes, sir." She smiled. "Uh, I heard... That you're performing the surgery on Isaac's tumor today." She started off easy. "I was wondering if I could scrub in." Best to just rip out the band-aid.

"Dr. White..." He started saying, in that quiet voice people use when they want to let you down easily.

Just then he was joined by two more people who came out of the same room he had just done, Dr. Sloan and Dr. Torres.

"Before you answer!" She interrupted before he could say no. "I understand I'm new here and nobody really trusts me yet..." She started speaking really fast, something she often did when getting nervous. "But I would like to remind you I was the best at your microsurgery test yesterday."

"This is the rockstar intern?" Dr. Torres sounded from behind Shepherd.

"And it wasn't sheer luck or just a natural ability. Well, I do have a natural ability but I have experience too."

"You're an intern." Dr. Sloan said then, sounding doubtful about her claim of experience.

"I've known I wanted to be a neurosurgeon since I was twelve, I've had time to practice." She told them, looking at the three of them this time. "I've had really amazing mentors who believed in me..." She explained. "I've already performed more than three craniotomies by myself, one cranioplasty, one meningeal biopsy and a few ventriculostomies. And those are only the procedures I was the lead on, I've scrubbed in many more long neurosurgical procedures." The three doctors stared at her, seemingly not knowing what to say.

"Look, Dr. White, that is very impressive but this tumor is..." Shepherd started, shaking his head. "I don't even have a plan for it, that's how impossible it is."

"I know that. I understand it." She countered. "But this is a once in a lifetime... This is the perfect tumor, Dr. Shepherd." She stressed.

"It's gonna be a very long operation... We're talking... More than 24 hours, probably." He continued, as if trying to talk her out of it. "It'll be tiring, even for me."

"I promise to take as many breaks as you want me to." He still looked doubtful. "Please." She smiled with her hands close together in a praying motion. "Will I get you to say yes if I promise to bring you coffee every day?" She asked then, making him laugh.

"Ok. You can scrub in." He conceded after a few silent and tense seconds, making her clap her hands twice. "But I would like to hear more about all this experience you already seem to have later."

"Thank you! Thank you!" She let a big breath out. "Thank you so much! I could hug you right now!" She exclaimed. "But I won't." She looked at the three doctors again with a solemn look then. "Because I'm new here, I'm trying to keep the whole professional thing going." She explained, making the three laugh.

"I like her." Torres said, earning a grin from the intern.

* * *

Nina had been right on fighting to be a part of that surgery. She could hardly believe that the first time she scrubbed into a surgery in SGMW was to be a part of the team who operated on the perfect tumor. It was an indescribable feeling, like watching history being made right in front of you. Unbelievable and breathtaking.

The surgery went on for hours, hours and hours of standing testing their endurance. The intern knew she was the weak link, she had something to prove, she had to show she could handle it. She was confident in her resilience; she used to be an athlete and nowadays she would still go running almost every morning and practiced yoga every day.

"I've cleared a path at T-5..." Dr. Shepherd was saying when suddenly the monitor started beeping erratically.

"What just happened?" Dr. Sloan, who was watching the monitors closely asked.

"A vessel burst. It might have been connected to the cord." Shepherd answered.

"But if there's not enough blood reaching the cord..." Dr. Grey started saying.

"I could've just paralyzed our patient, yes." Shepherd cut her off, annoyed. "Suction, please."

The tension was skyrocketing through the roof, everyone seemed to realize just how real the surgery was now with the risk of Isaac having just been paralyzed. Nina took in a deep breath as she watched closely from where she stood beside Shepherd as he and Avery worked. Suddenly Dr. Sloan was telling them the amplitude was back up, meaning the vessel really was connected to the tumor and that Isaac was not paralyzed, to everyone's relief.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Nina called for him after he was congratulated by Dr. Sloan. "Are you okay?" He seemed to be getting paler by the second.

"Take off my mask." He said in a hurry and she jumped to follow his instructions. "Take it off." He said again as she was already untying it, he threw up all over the floor right after she pulled the mask off his face.

A few minutes later, after being reassured of his capacity by Dr. Sloan and forced to drink water and breathe by Dr. Grey; he was back to the operating table. After Avery's cramps and Grey taking over his position, the surgery seemed to run smoothly up until the point of no return: Shepherd had to blindly choose which cord to cut. Nina was fascinated as she watched him; she had worked with what she could only describe as Neuro Gods before in Chicago but no one ever seemed to be as driven as Dr. Shepherd. She smiled under her mask when he made the cut; he made the right one and it felt good to be in Seattle.


	3. hurricane

**iii. hurricane**

_(song by halsey)_

_._

_._

There are many convenient reasons to form alliances at your workplace; no matter where you work or what you do, you want your colleagues to be on your side because you never know when you're going to need their help. For Sarah Hatcher it had been tonight. Having grown up in Mercer Island, she took the internship at SGMW not only because it was one of the best surgical residencies in the country but also to be close to her family. She never thought that, because who really thinks about that, she would be glad tonight that she was close when something bad happened.

"Hey!" Nina rushed passed the hospital's entrance door. "I'm here! I'm here." She sighed. "Are you ok?" She asked as soon as she was close enough to Sarah.

"Yeah." She nodded. "My cab is waiting..." She talked fast. "I have to..."

"Go, go! It's ok." Nina nodded in comprehension. "Just... Update me when you can!" Sarah smiled gratefully and walked quickly out of the hospital.

Nina sighed to herself and started making her way to the intern's locker room to change into her scrubs and hopefully find some coffee to wake her up. She had been almost asleep when Sarah called her; it was almost 1 AM after all; begging her to take over her shift because her mother had just got rushed into surgery. Nina wasn't sure about the details, Sarah was frantic on the phone and there weren't much time for explanations; she just got up, changed and practically ran to work.

The night shift wasn't anything new to her, the hospital was usually deserted and very rarely did big traumas really come in; in general it consisted of watching that people didn't die in their sleep. She found Dr. Karev soon enough, Sarah being on his service, and for the first hour or so it went as she had imagined as she just had to round on his patients. Nina had been by a nurse station, leaning against it and bored out of her mind when things started to get interesting.

"I'm being paged to the ER, come with me." Karev appeared suddenly by the end of the hallway and she quickly followed him.

Their patient was a pregnant female who had been in a car accident, she had a subdural and her 30-week baby was in distress. During the ultra-sound, Dr. Robbins noticed the baby's brain was hemorrhaging and they quickly went into surgery with Dr. Shepherd joining them shortly after the baby was born to treat the mother's bleed.

"Let's prep her for a craniotomy." Dr. Shepherd announced as Karev told him the mother's status.

"Apgar's only 4." Robbins spoke, regarding the baby. "We need to get to the NICU now."

As they prepped the baby and got ready to leave the O.R., Nina couldn't help but look back. She wanted to stay. Not that she didn't care for the baby's health; but Neuro was her calling, not Peds. Karev noticed her hesitation and looked at her with a questioning look.

"Uh." She bit her lip; she didn't really know Karev but she had only heard rumors that didn't exactly paint in the kindest light. "Would you yell at me if I asked to stay for the craniotomy?" She let it out in one breath. "Because you really shouldn't, you have a baby on your hands." She continued, making him snort and roll his eyes.

"Just come find me right after." He told her quietly. "Rockstar." He mocked and she frowned; did everyone call her that now?

Robbins, Karev and a few others left while Nina stayed put and walked up to the operating table again. Dr. Shepherd was getting ready to start, having just been handed the drill when he noticed her.

"Staying, Dr. White?"

"If you'll allow me, sir." She answered, hopeful.

"Only if you assist me." He smiled under his mask to her surprise.

"Seriously?" She grinned.

"If I recall correctly, you have performed more than three craniotomies, haven't you?" He said lightly, remembering the speech she gave him when she wanted in on Isaac's operation.

"Actually, sir." She started saying as she was handed by the nurses the tools to assist him. "I have written down every surgery I ever performed." She said while they started. "After that day, I looked it up." He looked up for a few seconds. "And there have been five craniotomies so far." She grinned and he let out a laugh.

* * *

The craniotomy took almost five hours and by the time they were done it was morning and she was already late to meet Dr. Yang for rounds. She ran to meet her resident down in the Pediatric floor, after a nurse informed her that she would be there. Peds was not the right place for a woman like Cristina Yang, Nina thought with a laugh.

"Hi, I'm here. Sorry." She greeted as soon as she saw her walking closer to where Dr. Robbins and Dr. Percy were standing; Dr. Avery joining them.

"Ok." Robbins greeted them as Torres and Dr. Hunt approached their group too. "I know this is the first time on a Peds rotation with me for some of you." She looked at Yang. "Not for others." It seemed there was bad blood there. "But I wanted you to understand that I run my Peds unit a little differently than you may be used to." Nina listened closely. "This is not general surgery in miniature. These are the tiny humans. These are children. They believe in magic. They play pretend. There is fairy dust in their I.V. bags. They hope and they cross their fingers and they make wishes. And that makes them more resilient than adults. They recover faster, survive worse. They believe. In Peds, we have miracles and magic. In Peds, anything is possible."

As soon as Robbins turned her back to head inside, Yang turned around to make a face of mockery; Nina laughed under her breath. They were led into the room of Hillary Boyd, a girl who was brought in the night before after she fell off the roof of her own house and suffered 52 broken bones as a reward; and were all surprised to meet little Dr. Wallace, who seemed to be an honorary doctor and incredibly smart for his age. They rounded on Wallace next, who presented his own case of short gut syndrome to Yang's annoyance and the other's amazement.

"So..." Nina started saying after they all left the boy's room. "Peds." She twisted her lips, not wanting to actually say how much she didn't care for the specialty but knowing her resident would get it by her tone.

"I don't care for it either, Chicago, deal with it." Yang rolled her eyes.

"You don't like kids, Rockstar?" Avery mocked her from where he walked behind the two.

"I like them just fine..." She answered him with a quick look over her shoulder. "Away from me." She completed in a quieter voice so he wouldn't hear, making Yang smirk.

"Why were you late this morning?" Yang got her attention. "I thought you knew better."

"I know. I'm so sorry." She apologized but couldn't help but start to smile. "I was in surgery with Dr. Shepherd, he let me assist him in a craniotomy and even let me close by myself." The intern grinned in excitement.

"What? What time did you get here today?"

"Around 1 AM." Nina started to explain as they stopped walking. "Hatcher had a family emergency so she called me to cover the night shift for her."

"You were here!" Yang frowned. "You were here when the 52 broken bones girl got here?"

"Technically yes." She said, careful to mind her words because she already knew how mad her resident was about missing that surgery. "But I was with Dr. Karev all night; we had a pregnant woman in a car accident, she had a brain bleed and the baby had a stroke in the womb... Crazy night."

"You didn't know about the broken bones girl?" Yang asked as she stared at the intern suspiciously.

"No. I would have paged you if I knew."

"Great." Yang sighed, annoyed. "Go home. You look dead on your feet and I don't want to risk you killing anyone."

"I'm ok; I had a lot of coffee." She shrugged.

"Chicago. Leave. Now." The resident spat out, making the intern take a step back from her.

"Geez. Fine." She rolled her eyes and left.

"You like her." Avery and Percy mocked Yang in a sing-song voice. "I can't believe I just witnessed Cristina Yang being nice to her intern." Avery continued.

"Shut up." Yang glared as she walked away from the two.

* * *

The next morning, Nina got to the hospital early because she wanted to check on the car accident patient, Laura, and her baby before rounds. The intern locker room was closer to the NICU so she decided to check on the preemie first, finding Dr. Karev and Dr. Robbins already there.

"Get me a repeat M.R.I. and page me if she becomes bradycardic or starts having apnea spells." Robbins told Karev as Nina approached them. "I'll be on rounds." She told him before sending Nina a small smile and leaving.

"Hey." Nina whispered, making Karev look up at her and nod. "Sorry I didn't come find you yesterday. Uh, Yang sent me home right after Shepherd's surgery." She felt she should explain why she didn't do as he asked the day before after the preemie was born.

Just then, before he could respond, Dr. Adamson came closer with her eyes set on Karev intently and ignoring Nina's presence like she wasn't even there. Nina bit her lip to keep from smiling at the obvious crush the woman had on Karev.

"Um, I was picking up some labs from Dr. Bailey, and I saw that you had these waiting. Thought I'd bring them by, save you the trip." Adamson smiled as she handed him the charts but Karev seemed intent on not looking at her as he kept his attention on the baby.

"Thanks." He said quietly, grabbing the charts and putting them aside.

"Are you okay?" Adamson asked him and Nina looked away, feeling like she wasn't supposed to be there. "I overheard a little bit of your conversation with the chief."

"I'm trying to save a baby here." He interrupted her. "Get outta my face."

"Oh." Adamson flinched slightly. "Got it." She said and walked away.

"Damn, the rumors are true, huh? You really are an asshole." Nina said, rolling her eyes at him as she kept watching him check the baby.

"Excuse me?" He looked up at her, raising his eyebrows. "I'm a resident, you're an intern. You better watch what you say to me." He reminded her.

"You're not _my_ resident. And your bites won't scare me away like you just did her because I don't wanna sleep with you." She smirked at him. "You can't hurt my feelings."

"Reed doesn't wanna sleep with me." He scoffed, understanding her line.

"Oh, so you're an asshole _and_ blind." She gave him a big fake smile, making him laugh and shake his head. "She's nosy and annoying because she has a crush on you." He looked up at her again. "Cut the girl some slack."

"Did you know I'm married?" He smirked at her then.

"Are you though?" She squinted. "Where's your wife?"

"God, you're worse than Tinkerbell." He complained and she laughed.

* * *

Nina dreaded working on the pediatric rotation, so much so that she begged and begged until Yang relented and let her off the hook by sending her to cover the pit. She was pretty sure her resident only did it because she believed Nina hated kids, probably something she could sympathize with. But the truth was that children didn't bother Nina at all, she just couldn't stomach the possibility of losing a patient that young. It was just too hard but she didn't think Cristina Yang would understand that point of view so she kept her mouth shut and let her think what she wanted to think.

"Hey." She greeted as she saw Sarah walking by her.

"Hey you." Sarah smiled. "Thanks for covering for me the other night, by the way." Sarah smiled. "You're a life-saver."

"Well, I hope so or I chose the wrong profession." Nina laughed. "How's your mom?"

"She's fine." She rolled her eyes. "I told her to wait until my brother and I came home this weekend but she's too stubborn."

Sarah had texted her a few hours after she left to attend to her mother's emergency the other night, reassuring Nina that it was nothing serious. Apparently her mother had decided to start putting up the holiday decorations early and had taken a fall while trying to place a Christmas garland around the stair's railing. She suffered a dislocated shoulder and a few scratches but fortunately nothing major.

"Anyway, do you wanna go to Joe's after our shift?" Sarah asked, thinking it was a given since that was pretty much something they did after every shift.

"Oh, I can't today." Nina frowned. "I promised myself that I would finally unpack the rest of my stuff tonight." She laughed.

"You still haven't unpacked?" Leo asked as he joined them, walking from behind Nina.

"Ugh, I know!" She groaned. "It's just that I have too many clothes, they won't fit into my tiny closet." She complained and they laughed. "And I still have boxes inside my car; my crappy little studio doesn't support all my stuff." She confessed.

"Why don't you get a bigger place?" Leo asked.

"Can't afford it." She shrugged as she said in an impassive voice.

"Please." He scoffed while Sarah simply watched. "You drive a BMW."

"It was a graduation present." She rolled her eyes.

"I knew you came from money!" Leo whisper-shouted, making the two girls laugh.

"So what?" She defended herself. "So does Sarah."

"Nu-uh!" Sarah disagreed.

"Your family is from Mercer Island, it's a rich people city and everyone knows it." Leo agreed before turning back to Nina. "If I had rich parents, I'd be asking them for money every week!

"It's just not an option right now." Nina sighed.

* * *

She was heading down to the cafeteria to grab lunch when she ran into Dr. Shepherd in the elevator. He looked stressed, a cup of coffee on his hands as he stared down at the floor. She wanted to talk to him but she didn't want to feel like she was inconveniencing him. She walked in silently and went to press the button for her floor but saw it was already pressed and withdrew her hand.

"Oddly quiet, Dr. White." He broke the silence in a small voice and looked up at her with a friendly smile.

"Didn't wanna disturb you, sir." She spoke softly with a sheepish smile of her own.

"No more sir, please." He rolled his eyes. "You're making me feel old." She laughed. "Call me Derek."

"Ok." She nodded. "Then please call me Nina."

The elevator dinged before opening up on their floor, Derek making a hand motion as to let her walk out first before following her. They started heading towards the same place.

"You're having lunch?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"So am I." He grinned. "Maybe now you could tell me all about those past surgical experiences you seem to have."

"Oh." She said, surprised that he wanted to spend his lunch break talking to her.

"You owe me." He pointed it out, playfully.

"Of course, sir." She laughed. "Derek." She corrected herself after he frowned.

As the two walked to the cafeteria together, grabbed their lunch and sat down; they failed to notice the stares they were attracting by simply doing so. SGMW was a rumor-making machine, where an intern and an attending sparked curiosity and gossip just by having a friendly, harmless conversation.

"Uh." Nina bit her lip before looking at Derek. "What would you like to know?"

"Everything." He shrugged. "The only thing I've heard is that you started your residency in Northwestern. There's still a lot of secrecy involving you, which is pretty rare around here." He said as he looked around, noticing the looks they were getting from some people before rolling his eyes. "People think you're mysterious." He refocused on Nina, with a playful smile.

"I'm not mysterious." She laughed. "I'm just a little private." She shrugged. "Would you like a briefing of my academic life?" She teased.

"Yes, please." He answered, content; making her laugh.

"Ok." She nodded. "Well... Let's see. I skipped the first and the four grades; attended high school at the Phillips Exeter Academy, which I started when I was 11." She noticed his surprised look and giggled. "Yeah, imagine how my classmates felt." She said, sarcastically. "Then... Harvard. Graduated top of my class, 4.0 GPA, thank you very much." She gloated and they both laughed. "And finally, residency."

"Why did you decide to leave the Northwestern program?" Derek hit the hard question.

"I..." She frowned, pondering what she wanted to say.

"I'm sorry." He interrupted before she could continue. "It's a sore subject." He understood her silence. "You don't have to tell me."

"Yeah." She agreed, quietly. "It's just that... I really wanted a change of scenery." He nodded as they looked at each other in wonder.

"You mentioned the other day something about a mentor..." He changed the subject.

"Yeah." She smiled, fondly. "Dr. Charlotte Hyamns. She is the Head of Neurosurgery at Northwestern, an amazing teacher!" Nina became excited. "She really took me under her wing; let me scrub in almost all of her surgeries, even let me join her ALS clinical trial..."

"She's working on an ALS clinical trial?" He asked, interested.

"Yeah, it's going very well so far." She frowned. "I hated leaving that."

"I wanna ask... But I won't." He told her, referencing the reason why she left Chicago.

"One day, maybe." Nina smiled. "I get the feeling nothing stays a secret for long around here."


	4. myself

**iv. myself**

_(song by bazzi)_

_._

_._

It was right after rounds with Dr. Yang that Nina found herself at the coffee cart outside the hospital, ready to execute an idea she had after being introduced to the new Cardiothoracic attending, Teddy Altman. The arrival of a new _Cardio God-dess_ only made Nina more aware of the fact that her resident favored that specialty above any others; something that wouldn't benefit the intern in her pursuit of Neuro cases.

Hence why, when she walked back inside the hospital she had a cup holder in hands and a mission in mind. She had to find Derek Shepherd and ask to be on his service. They had already worked together before, she felt she had proved she could handle his cases but coffee always helps when you're trying to win over doctors who barely sleep.

She found him quickly enough, with the help of a few nurses, as he walked out of the Attending's lounge with Dr. Sloan. She came up to them, spotting them from behind and cleared her throat to get their attention.

"Good morning, Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Sloan." She smiled as they turned towards her.

"Nina, I told you to call me Derek." Shepherd complained as the two greeted her back.

"Derek. Yeah. I forget." She grinned. "Coffee?" She offered him, raising the cup holder slightly.

"You brought me coffee?" He grinned.

"You brought him coffee?" Sloan asked at the same time, frowning.

"Actually I brought you four kinds because I wasn't sure what you liked." She laughed under her breath. "I got a mocha latte, a cappuccino, a macchiato and an espresso for you to choose from." She explained, pointing out the different cups under Derek's amused stare.

"I like espressos." He told her with a smile.

"Great." She handed him the right coffee. "My stepfather always says if it's not an espresso, it isn't coffee; he hates the sugary stuff too."

"He and I have that in common." Derek said after taking a sip of coffee. "Not that I don't appreciate it... But why did you bring me coffee?"

"Did you do something wrong?" Sloan teased.

"No." She rolled her eyes. "I would like to be on your service this week." She smiled.

"Ahh, there it is." Sloan sounded appeased. "Interesting cases this week?" He asked Derek. "Someone's hoping for O.R. time." He teased the intern again.

"It's not even that." She huffed before explaining. "There's a new Cardio surgeon and my resident, Dr. Yang, is gonna be all over that... And I get it! But... Hearts aren't my thing, I like brains." The two attendings nodded then, understanding her point.

"So do I." Derek grinned. "I'll get you my schedule, Dr. White."

* * *

Derek, Charles and Nina had just walked out of the first consult of the day, heading towards the second when Meredith Grey came over. Nina remembered meeting her on her first day, when she was still a patient on bed rest at the hospital and had been told only unbelievable stories about the resident, some that sounded so insane she thought the interns were just exaggerating.

"Hey." Derek grinned as he greeted his wife.

"Hi." She said, more somber than him. "Izzie is here." Nina couldn't help when her eyes widened.

The story of Izzie Stevens and Alex Karev was one of Nina's favorite gossips she had been told ever since starting at SGMW. Two interns falling in love, amid many complications and misunderstandings, one of them developing cancer and almost dying, the two getting married ridiculously quick; it seemed like the perfect happy ending story until it all fell apart. Morbidly enough, that was the part Nina had always been more interested in; it reminded her of her own life.

"She brought her old science teacher in; she wants you to take a look at him..." Meredith explained further. "Can you put him on your schedule?"

"Oh." Derek nodded before looking at Nina, who stood silently with Percy besides the couple at a respectful distance. "Nina is handling my schedule this week."

"Nina?" Meredith asked, frowning.

"Nina White." The intern offered her hand for a handshake with a smile. "We met on my first day here but you were a patient... I don't know if you remember."

"You're Cristina's intern." Meredith recalled, shaking her hand. "The model."

"You were a model?" Charles teased her.

"No!" She huffed, rolling her eyes at Charles. "Never a model." She explained to Meredith. "Dr. Yang just couldn't remember my name." The intern mumbled, making Charles snort and Derek laugh.

"Nina, would you please take a look at the schedule and put this new patient in?" Derek asked and she nodded quickly, grabbing the schedule she had in hands and a pen from her pocket.

"Do you know the patient's name?" Nina asked Meredith.

"Dr. Singer." Meredith answered. "Don't know his first name but Izzie is with him, they're in Exam Room 4."

"Ok." Nina nodded to her answers as she scribbled it down. "We have one more consult but we can see him right after." She smiled as she told Derek and Meredith.

"Great." Derek smiled but noticed the look Meredith was giving him. "Dr. Percy, Dr. White, you can head to Mrs. Newman's room... I'll be right along." The two nodded and walked off.

"What is she? Your personal assistant?" Meredith teased him.

"She wants to be a neurosurgeon." He shrugged. "And she wants me to be her mentor." He explained. "I've always wanted to be one."

"And this mentoring doesn't have anything to do with the fact she looks like that...?"

"Really?" He scoffed at her question.

"Well, I'm sorry that I can't help but notice the long legs, big boobs and shiny skin."

"Shiny skin?" He repeated, earning a glare. "Look..." He sighed then. "What I know is that she has incredible hand-eye coordination, remarkable stamina for an intern and a surprisingly long experience in Neurosurgery already." He listed the things he had already observed. "She's passionate. I like it."

"I get it." Meredith nodded, sighing. "But why does she have to look like that?" She said, quieter, making him laugh slightly.

"I don't see Nina like that, ok?" He put his arms around his wife, kissing her softly. "You would like her too, she's like Cristina." Meredith frowned at his wording. "She knows what she wants and she knows she needs a mentor to get her there." He told her with a small smile before saying he needed to see his patient and leaving.

"Yeah, well, Cristina slept with Burke." Meredith mumbled, alone.

* * *

"Well, everything looks good, Dr. Singer." Derek started saying after the quick check-up. "What we're gonna do is, uh, take some blood..."

"Ouch."

"And run some tests. Okay?"

"Okay."

The three; Derek, Nina and Izzie; walked away from the patient as Derek asked Izzie for the patient's medical history and Nina wrote it all down on his form. As she watched the blonde woman standing beside her, she wondered if she would stay or leave again, if she had told Karev that she'd be here, if she regretted leaving... Nina wondered if she and Izzie Stevens had anything in common.

"Where the hell have you been?" Cristina Yang's voice sounded from behind Izzie, interrupting what the former employee was saying. "You missed your I.L.-2 appointment."

"You told Cristina I was here?" Izzie asked Meredith in disbelief. "Mer, who else did you tell?" So she didn't tell Karev, Nina decided from that question.

"Well, well, well." Charles walked over from delivering the last patient's labs. "Look who's back."

"This guy?" Izzie scoffed. "You told the guy that got me fired?"

"I didn't tell him." Meredith defended herself, even though she actually kind of did earlier. "I don't even know him. It's my first day back."

"Dr. Percy's on my service today." Derek explained.

"And I didn't get you fired. You did that all by yourself." Charles complained to Izzie.

"Dr. Percy, Dr. Singer needs a full dementia work-up." Derek told the resident. "Dr. Stevens will give you the details."

As Derek walked away, Nina followed him to tend to his next patient consult, eager to get away from the woman who she didn't know but reminded her so much of herself and everything she was trying to forget.

* * *

When Nina decided to ask Derek Shepherd to be on his service, there were a few things she expected to happen and a few she didn't. She expected to have to prove herself again and again due to Shepherd's well-known high standards, she expected to see curious and rare cases every once in a while, and she expected some drama too because, according to the hospital's gossip, his life was very dramatic. What she didn't expect was the rumors that would involve her name and she, definitely, didn't expect the hate.

She wanted to have lunch with her intern friends, rave about being on a Neurosurgeon's service again, make plans to celebrate this new chapter later tonight... But she couldn't find anyone she knew. It seemed Leo, Sarah and Miles were nowhere to be found and even when she paged them, they didn't show up or respond. Figuring they were probably busy or in surgery, Nina let it go and went on her way until she saw Miles in a hallway.

"Hey." She smiled, greeting him as she walked closer. "Were you in surgery? I paged you."

He looked at her with a stoic face before walking away without answering her question or saying anything. Nina blinked a few times, confused.

"What the hell?" She whispered. "What are you doing?" She laughed, going after him.

Miles kept walking, increasing the pace of his steps as if he was trying to dodge her to Nina's utter bewilderment. After turning a corner, he quickly ran into an open elevator right before the door closed; leaving Nina standing there without a clue to what had just happened.

* * *

She felt so utterly weirded out that she decided to use the help of a few nurses to find Sarah. Figuring that she would know what was going on and was the one most likely to actually tell her why Miles behaved like that and why she felt stared at so much today. Sarah could be brutally honest sometimes and she still owed her a favor, so she could always use that card if it came to it.

"Ok, tell me the truth." Nina said; ambushing Sarah as the woman walked out of a patient's room. "People have been looking at me weird all day. Just now, I tried to talk to Miles and not only did he blow me off completely, he literally ran away from me! What the hell's going on around here?"

Sarah's eyes widened and she tried to sidestep her, but Nina was faster and blocked her way before she could take another step further.

"Hey, you owe me a favor." Nina sneered. "Spit it out." Sarah sighed, nodding.

"I have nothing to do with this, ok?" She defended herself to Nina's annoyance. "The other interns..." Sarah sighed. "They just think it's... Uh, suspicious... That you seem to be around Dr. Shepherd a lot."

"What?" Nina asked. "I want to specialize in Neurosurgery."

"I know that!" Sarah exclaimed. "We all know that. But... It seems like... He's favoring you." Sarah bit her lip, careful about her words. "And some people started wondering why..."

"He's not favoring me." Nina scoffed at the idea. "It's my first day on his service! How could he even favor me?"

"Well... You were on his microsurgery test when no other intern was allowed, then on Isaac's surgery where many residents wanted in and he didn't let them... Plus he let you first assist on a craniotomy. You've only been here for like three weeks!" Sarah explained.

"Yeah, because I'm capable. I've done all those things before in Chicago." Nina defended herself, annoyed at the insinuation.

"A lot of us are capable too, Nina, but we don't get the chance to show it." Sarah bit back before breathing. "Look, the interns have... Decided... To shut you out because... Some people... Think you're sleeping with Shepherd to get ahead." Nina gasped, she understands the implications but she didn't think Sarah would actually voice it.

"And what? You agree with them?"

"I don't know, ok?" Sarah answered quietly. "But..." Nina took a step. "Nina..."

"It's cool." Nina shrugged. "I'm a big girl, I can handle myself." She nodded to herself. "I don't need any of you anyway." She stated coldly before walking away.

* * *

Nina had been sitting by herself at a nurse station, her phone in her hands as she simply stared at it without moving. She was very deep inside her mind, the events of the day taking a toll on her conscience and she felt like there was much to consider. Dr. Torres and Dr. Sloan walked up to the nurse station to drop off one of Torre's charts when they noticed her.

"You okay, White?" Torres asked with a frown as they observed the intern who seemed to be in a shock.

"Huh?" Her voice startled Nina, who blinked a few times as she looked up at them.

"Are you okay?" Torres repeated the question.

"Yeah." Nina nodded quickly before putting her cell phone in her pocket and getting up.

"You sure?" Sloan asked, watching her closely. "You look kind of funny right now, a bit nauseated."

"I'm fine." She brushed them off as she walked around the station to stand beside the two.

"Oka-ay." Torres nodded, saying the word as slow as she could.

"The interns are shutting me out because they think I'm sleeping with Dr. Shepherd to get ahead." Nina confessed, all in one breath. "They're not talking to me, acting like I'm not even there, like I don't exist." She complained before scoffing. "I mean, they are clearly talking _about _me behind my back so they do know I exist." She finished her fast-paced rant bitterly.

"Wow." Torres and Sloan sighed.

"And you said you were fine." Sloan teased her.

"Know what I've realized? Seattle people are assholes." Nina complained in a huff before realizing who she was talking to and looking at them with a sheepish smile. "No offense."

"None taken." Torres smirked.

"Sounded like a compliment." Sloan said at the same time. "Look... Nobody really believes that, ok?" He tried to sound as sincere as he could.

"Absolutely." Torres agreed.

"The interns are just jealous, ignore it and it'll go away." Sloan advised.

"Think about it this way, would you really want to be friends with that kind of people?" Torres asked. "The insecure little shits can't handle you're more talented and focused than they could ever hope to be. At the end of the day, the truth is that your effort and hard work is what's getting you miles ahead of them." Nina looked up at Torres in amazement. "You're better than them, White; don't let them make you believe otherwise."

"Damn." She whistled under her breath. "Thanks for the pep talk." She grinned at the two attendings. "You guys are good at this. Way better than my parents ever were!" She laughed. "You should totally have kids!" She cried out with a big smile, before walking away decided to shake the blues off.

"Did she just say that we're like her... Parents?" Sloan asked with a disgusted look on his face.

"And that bothers you why?" Torres smirked at him. "You have a girlfriend."

"Still!" He complained. "That's just... Not right."

* * *

At the end of the night, Nina felt incredibly exhausted. The day had been tiring, not only physically but mentally. She considered just stopping by a corner store and buying some tequila to drink at home but figured that she would drink less if she were in public; and with that thought in consideration she walked into Joe's bar alone.

She had been sitting at the bar for a few minutes, nursing her second beer, when she dared taking a look around the place. Fortunately she didn't see any of her intern _friends_, mostly faces of people she had seen around the hospital but never talked to. Until her eyes spotted Alex Karev, sitting by himself at one of the tables, a glass of what she assumed was scotch in front of him and a deep frown on his face.

She couldn't help but watch him for a few moments, feeling a certain way about him and his situation that she wouldn't even admit to herself. After the day from hell she had... And the universe still put Alex Karev in her line of sight? Seriously? What was this, karma? She groaned as she felt the guilt consume her when she noticed his sad little eyes staring at a blank point across the bar.

Before she realized what she was doing, Nina had ordered another beer and gotten up to walk towards him. Bad idea, she thought to herself but couldn't stop her feet from moving. She cleared her throat as she stood beside him, offering the beer when he looked up; Alex nodded, she placed the beer on the table and sat down in front of him.

"If you're gonna drink all night, stick to the lighter stuff." She told him.

Karev stared without saying anything before finishing what was in his cup in one gulp, then taking hold of the beer bottle and nodding at her words.

"I get the feeling you're the silent, brooding while drinking type." She told him, taking a sip of her own beer. "But if you ever... Wanna talk..." She bit her lips, not even sure about what she was saying.

"You want me to talk to you?" Alex sneered, shaking his head.

"Hey." Nina took offence. "I'm a great listener, ok? Believe it or not."

"Yeah..." He rolled his eyes.

"Look..." Nina started but didn't know how to finish. "I just... Get it, ok?" She said, wincing as she did so, knowing he wouldn't understand it.

"You get it?" He asked, not believing it. "You get what it's like to be left? By your wife?" He continued, his voice hard as he went full-mode asshole. "You have no idea what you're talking about, alright? And I don't need your pity." Nina rolled her eyes at his macho persona.

"You wanna know what I feel when I look at you?" Nina asked him, voice quieter because she didn't want anyone else to hear. "Because it's not pity."

"What then? Irritation?" He guessed, with a fake smile on his face.

"Guilt." She answered, earnestly. "Because what Izzie Stevens did to you..." She laughed bitterly to herself, in disbelief that she would share this with Alex Karev of all people. "I did to someone too."

Alex looked at her with wide eyes, surprised and not sure if he believed her; but before she could say anything further or that he could react, Meredith was standing over their table, a stoic look on her face as she watched the two with their heads closer than what Meredith thought appropriate. Nina looked up at the resident, smiled slightly and excused herself before bidding them a goodnight and leaving the bar; still in shock with herself that she actually admitted that out loud.


	5. bad liar

**v. bad liar**

_(song by imagine dragons)_

_._

_._

The holiday season had always been Nina's favorite time of the year, she loved the food, the shopping for gifts, decorating the house, putting up the Christmas tree and don't even get her started on the holiday movies... She still vividly remembered her favorite Christmas; she was 8 and her family had taken a trip to Vail, it was her first time seeing that much snow and the whole thing just felt magical. But this year... This year she couldn't go home or back to Chicago, she didn't have any friends or family to spend the holidays with; she felt like she was numbed from the happiness that came around with the holidays and seemed to infect everyone, she didn't feel anything.

"Mr. and Mrs. Jacobson, can I see you?" Derek called from where he stood a little further, looking at the patient's scans.

The patient was a 6 year old boy named Nicholas who was brought in by his parents because he had a heavy nosebleed that just wouldn't stop. Understandably, Dr. Robbins called in for a Neuro consult, bringing Derek and Nina to the case.

"Nicholas has what is called an arteriovenous malformation." Derek started to explain as the parents stood closer to them.

"It's a cluster of tangled blood vessels in his brain. It's what's causing the bleeding." Nina tried in simpler words.

"In order to stop the bleeding, we need to remove it." Derek finished the explanation.

"You-You mean like brain surgery...?" The patient's father asked, surprised.

"I'll do everything I can to protect the brain tissue and minimize damage." Derek promised.

"I'm sorry." Arizona sounded sincere. "I know it's scary but we have to go in right away." The parents nodding their approval, even if they looked scared.

As they walked out of the patient's room, Arizona couldn't help but watch the frown on the intern's face; thinking back to the time she had been on the Peds rotation and how she didn't seem too joyful then either, Arizona wondered if those two moods were related.

"White?" She called her attention with a small smile, Nina looking up curiously.

"Yes, Dr. Robbins?"

"How do you feel about kids?" She asked, smile still in place, seemingly not noticing the confusion on Nina, Derek and Lexie's faces at her question.

"Uh." Nina looked up at Derek who only shrugged. "If I tell you the truth, are you gonna kick me off this case? Because I want to be on this case." Nina chose to tell the truth, earning funny looks from Derek and Lexie.

"Oh." Arizona frowned.

"I love kids." Nina interrupted, not giving the attending a chance to respond, in her best beauty pageant fake voice and perfect smile. "Treating the tiny humans and making them better is the only thing important in life." She concluded with a dreamy sigh to Derek and Lexie's amusement as they both laughed out loud.

"That wasn't the truth." Arizona complained, rolling her eyes. "Be real with me."

"They don't bother me but I'm not their biggest fan." Nina shrugged. "Newborns 'til 5, I can deal with. If they're past 5, they're a nightmare so don't count on me until they hit 13. That's when they start getting my humor." She explained, telling the truth this time.

"You have experience with kids?" Lexie asked her with a smile.

"Yep." That earned a few more surprised looks so she rolled her eyes and decided to give a little more info. "I have 3 younger siblings... I also spent a summer during college in Zambia teaching English, Spanish and softball to little children and then another summer in Uganda but those children didn't care for softball so I taught them yoga instead." The three gave her that awed look people usually give you when you tell you've volunteered before, like it was a big deal or something when in reality most people in medical school do some kind of volunteer work. "I just don't like them when they're sick, they get whiny." She said just out of spite, so they wouldn't look at her like that anymore and because she was just not in a good mood.

Derek snorted, laughing under his breath; Lexie frowned, muttering something about her sounding just like Cristina; Arizona's eyes widened but she still had a small smile on her face.

"...You are a very complicated person, White." Arizona mumbled as they continued walking.

* * *

Nina was on her way to the O.R., ready to scrub in on Nicholas' surgery when Alex walked into the elevator she was in. She had been avoiding him like the plague ever since the fateful night she bought him a beer and decided to let too many words slip out of her mouth.

"You've been avoiding me." Alex accused her, smirk on his face, his voice coming out calmer than she would have expected.

"I've been... Busy." She defended herself, trying not to make eye contact.

"Right." He scoffed.

"Look." She sighed, turning to look at him and starting to speak softer. "That night… I was just not having a good day, ok?" She started to explain. "I was angry and upset and I... Told you something I wish I could take back. But I can't. So I'm asking you to please forget about it." She pleaded with him. "Alright?"

Alex kept silent until the elevator stopped at Nina's floor and she walked out without looking back. Seeing Izzie that day, someone Nina didn't even know, had brought forward a lot of emotions... Ones she just wanted to forget or pretend never happened. For God's sake, she came to Seattle to leave that all behind; it wasn't her fault their stories were so similar, yet so different. She just wished Alex had enough shit on his own plate and would just let go of what she had told him.

* * *

"She's 18." Lexie started saying. "That's not very much younger than me." Her voice coming out a little stranded.

They were in surgery, attempting to fix Nicholas' AVM when Lexie told them about what she had just found out; a young woman had showed up down in the pit claiming to be Mark Sloan's daughter.

"Is she pretty?" Nina asked with a smirk. "Does she have the baby-blues?" She referenced Mark's blue eyes.

"What? You-you think Mark's pretty?" Lexie almost choked, staring at the intern.

"Eh." Nina shrugged noncommittally under his girlfriend's suspicion. "I have a thing for blue eyes though." She explained, failing to notice the frowns she got from both Lexie and Arizona who looked from Nina to Derek and more specifically, Derek's blue eyes.

"Well, it's not that shocking actually." Derek started saying, adding his two cents on the whole Mark-has-a-daughter front. "I mean, the way Mark got around before he met you..." He seemed to be finding the whole story amusing. "There could be a gaggle of Sloans. Sloan Jones. Sloan Smith."

"Sloan Sloan." Nina added with a laugh.

"Mean." Arizona glared at them, feeling bad for Lexie who was clearly upset about the whole thing. "Both of you."

"Ah, damn it." Derek sighed as he looked down. "Son of a bitch."

"You can't access the feeders?" Nina guessed, as she took a better look at what her mentor was doing, and he nodded.

"So... What does that mean?" Lexie asked.

"It means I can't get at it." He explained. "I can do a temporary fix..."

"But when he starts bleeding again, there won't be anything we can do." Nina completed his train of thought.

"So we're just gonna..." Lexie's voice sounded small. "Send him home to die?"

"Happy Thanksgiving, Jacobson family."

* * *

Nina had been standing at a nurse station, updating some patient's charts by herself and pretending not to notice the looks she was getting from the two interns who seemed to be whispering about her. She had made a deal with herself after the interns started this dumb _vendetta_ against her, it was pretty simple, she wouldn't yell at them if she didn't know their names. Because truthfully if they weren't important enough to know, chances are they wouldn't even be here next year anyway so what's the point?

"Hey." Callie greeted her when she walked over. "How you been holding up?" She asked, making Nina laugh.

"I'm good, actually." Nina smiled as she answered.

"Great. Any holiday plans?" The attending asked with a smile, before looking down to write on a chart.

"Oh, yeah." Nina nodded, sarcastically speaking. "Big plans." Callie looked up, nodding as if she wanted to know more. "Mostly involving tequila..." She confessed because she couldn't handle Callie's sweet innocent smile. "Probably some bad decisions to come later."

"What?" She frowned. "It's Thanksgiving!" Callie gasped before her eyes widened. "You're not gonna spend tonight alone, are you?"

"No." The younger woman scoffed, blowing air out of her mouth. "With a bottle of Patrón." Callie glared at her. "Maybe two." She finished, quieter.

"White!" Callie chastised her.

"Don't judge me." She complained. "I don't have any family here... Or friends..."

"You know that's not true." Callie started saying but Nina glared at her with a deadpan stare.

"The friends I've made here all turned their backs on me." Nina reminded the attending. "The only thing closest to a friend I have in Seattle is my neighbor who's been trying to get in my pants since I've moved in..." She scoffed. "And let me tell you... If the tequila doesn't fill the void in my heart tonight, someone's getting lucky."

"No." Callie disagreed loudly. "You have me, ok? You are coming to my apartment tonight!" She didn't give her a chance to back out of it. "Arizona is gonna be there, Mark and Lexie are coming over too... We can cook and drink wine, bring your tequila if you want, it's gonna be fun!"

"I don't know, Callie..." Nina bit her lip. "Thank you for inviting me but... I feel like maybe I should be alone... It builds character."

"Oh, shut up." Callie rolled her eyes. "You're coming, that's final."

* * *

It was her first time in a social setting with her coworkers from SGMW, aside from the interns who now pretended she didn't exist but she chose not to focus on that. Nina felt a little nervous, she wanted to make a nice somewhat-first impression; so she went home after her shift to clean herself up a bit, she changed into a pair of white skinny jeans, a nice but simple black cami top, her favorite pair of black boots, grabbed her biker jacket and her bag and went out again, stopping by the corner store she had quickly become acquainted with and getting a bottle of wine to bring over to Callie's.

"Hi!" Arizona opened the door after she knocked. "Come on in." She smiled. "So glad you came."

"I brought wine." Nina smiled politely.

"I thought you preferred tequila." Callie teased as she walked in.

"Well, I do but..." Nina shrugged as she took off her jacket. "Wine is more grown-up... Right?" Arizona laughed.

Nina took a look around the place; Callie lived right across the street from the hospital in a nice spacious loft with hardwood floors and concrete walls, making the intern wonder if the building wasn't meant to be an apartment complex at first.

"Hey." Lexie walked through the front door right then, without knocking to Nina's surprise. "Oh, hi, Nina." The intern smiled politely again, feeling a little bit like fish out of water.

"Do you cook?" Arizona asked her as Lexie went over to Callie's side by the kitchenette.

"Not often but, uh, I can follow directions."

"That's good enough, come on."

As the four worked around the kitchen, slicing and cutting and putting things into boiling water; they started to make small talk.

"I like the place." Nina complimented as she turned to Callie. "It's very homey... You guys live together?" She asked, meaning Callie and Arizona.

"No, no." Callie answered with a smile. "But I do have a roommate, Cristina." Nina frowned at this, looking at her weirdly. "We moved in a while ago, I needed a place... So did she..." Callie shrugged and Nina nodded, understanding how that goes.

"Mark and I live across the hall." Lexie told her.

"It's like we're our very own small little family." Arizona added with a grin, making the intern grin back because it sounded like a pretty good deal actually.

"I have to say, I really like your boots." Lexie said to Nina with a sheepish smile.

"Thanks." She smiled back. "They're surprisingly comfortable." She giggled.

"They look expensive." Callie commented, not noticing the glare she got from Arizona after.

"Oh, they probably are." Nina laughed, getting a frown from the three women. "My mom sent them to me." She explained under their confusion. "She works in fashion."

"Well... That's nice of her." Arizona smiled.

"Is she a designer?" Callie asked, interested.

"Uh, no... Well, kinda." Nina frowned, trying to explain. "She's a stylist. Mostly she just dresses celebrities for red carpets but sometimes she does costume designing for movies." She noticed the wide eyes of the three women and smiled a little embarrassed. "I'm from L.A." She shrugged.

"Wow." Callie whispered.

"That's so cool." Lexie grinned.

"I guess... She gets a lot of free stuff, she's been sending me clothes she thinks I'll like since I went to boarding school and she couldn't take me shopping anymore." She told them, laughing.

Right then Mark walked in, a pretty blonde following behind him and Nina could feel the atmosphere becoming tense as he began to explain that the paternity test came out positive, he really was the father of an 18 year old. She watched with attentive eyes as he then told Lexie the daughter, Sloan, was moving in with them for a while and then as Lexie cut off the tip of her own finger at the news. As Mark rushed over to Lexie's side and they quickly decided to head to the hospital to get her finger checked out, Nina walked closer to Callie and Arizona as they stood not knowing what to do.

"Thanks for inviting me." Nina whispered Callie. "You were right, this was fun." She finished sarcastically, laughing along with Callie and Arizona at the turn of events.

* * *

Unbeknownst to Nina, as Christmas approached and the infamous intern had no plans; Callie took it upon herself to arrange something for the younger woman she had practically taken under her wing. That brought Callie to look for Meredith Grey, who she knew was hosting a Christmas party the next day.

"Hey, Grey." She greeted the blonde as she approached her in a hallway.

"Hi, Callie." Meredith smiled, innocently.

"Hey. Uh." Callie hesitated. "I heard you're throwing a Christmas party." She started slow.

"Yeah." Meredith nodded with a smile. "Arizona's coming... She said you're on call."

"Oh, yeah, no, I'm probably gonna be working." She waved it off. "Uh." She sighed, deciding to just go in for the kill. "Did you invite White?"

"Nina?" Meredith asked confused as to why Callie was bringing her up. "Derek's favorite intern?" She scowled. "Why would I invite my husband's little star over to our house?"

"Oh, please, Meredith." Callie rolled her eyes. "Don't tell me you believe the rumors."

"Of course I don't." Meredith said exasperatedly. "But I can't ignore the fact that she's always hanging around him."

"...Because he's her mentor." Callie insisted.

"And she's gorgeous." Meredith countered before sighing. "You can't blame me for being a little cautious."

"She doesn't have any family in Seattle, ok?" Callie decided to ignore whatever it was that Meredith was thinking and try to appeal to her rational side. "The interns are still giving her a hard time..." Callie explained. "I just don't think anyone should be alone during Christmas." Meredith went quiet, thinking it through.

"I don't even know her that well." Meredith sighed after being silent for a few seconds, her conscience winning. "I've barely ever talked to her."

"Then ask Derek to invite her." Callie suggested. "Come on. Poor girl shouldn't suffer even more because of the crazy rumors this hospital comes up with."

"Fine." Meredith conceded. "I'll ask Derek to talk to her."

"Thank you." Callie grinned.

* * *

Feeling bad about her animosity towards the intern, Meredith decided to talk to Nina herself. If she was honest, she knew she didn't have any ground to stand on as to why she chose to act so cold towards the younger woman. She knew about the rumors running around the hospital that her husband was favoring the intern because they were sleeping together but she didn't believe them for a second. Derek wouldn't do that, was the one thing that immediately ran through her mind when Alex told her what people had been saying on Meredith's first day back.

"Nina." Meredith called out as soon as she saw the intern walking out of a patient's room.

"Dr. Grey?" Nina frowned, surprised. "Hi."

"Hey." Meredith hesitated before walking closer, not knowing what to say she decided to follow Callie's footsteps and just go straight into it. "Derek and I are hosting a Christmas dinner on Christmas day... Well, Christmas night." She smiled. "Uh, would you like to come?"

"Oh." Nina's eyes widened, now she really was surprised. "Really?" Meredith nodded at the intern's question. "I thought you didn't like me." She confessed, laughing a little under her breath.

"Uh, I have... Nothing against you." Meredith said quietly.

"Ah, ok." Nina giggled. "Thank you but, uh..." She pondered over her words. "I'm gonna be working, actually."

"You will?" Meredith asked.

"Yeah." Nina agreed. "I exchanged shifts. Uh, I don't really feel very... Christmas-y this year... So I'd rather just be here... Working."

"Oh okay." Meredith nodded to herself. "I understand that. Believe me, I really understand that." She smiled, remembering how she used not to celebrate the holidays either. "But the invitation stands if... You change your mind."

"Thank you, Dr. Grey." Nina said, earnestly. "Truthfully." She grinned at the resident.

"You can call me Meredith, Nina."

* * *

Christmas day at the hospital had been almost depressing; the Chief had cut the budget for the equipment Derek, Arizona and Mark were building for their 6 year old patient with an AVM, Nicholas Jacobson and apparently the girl with no heart had to be rushed into surgery too. But nothing was worse than going home alone to a tiny apartment, with the memories of her last Christmas running through Nina's mind. She was just glad she took so long updating charts because then she wouldn't run into Meredith as she left and get caught in her lie. Nina told her she had to work the night shift but the truth was she didn't want to be surrounded by happy people tonight... She just didn't have the heart to tell Meredith that.

Just her luck, that when she walked into the elevator ready to leave; the only other person inside it was Alex Karev again. There are almost a million people working at this hospital, she thought, what are the fucking odds? She nodded to him politely, noticing he was dressed in his normal clothes too.

"Heading out?" Nina asked, Alex nodding at her question. "Going to Meredith's?"

"Christmas dinner with a bunch of people, all merry and cheerful... Not my thing." He explained with a shake of his head.

"Yeah." She laughed under her breath. "It used to be my thing." She told him. "Not this year though."

They stayed silent for the next few seconds. Both had a lot in mind, Christmas always seemed to make you think even harder about your life and your decisions. They had so much in common; both away from family, both alone and ready to wallow in self-pity, at least for tonight. The elevator dinged when it was finally at the ground floor and they both walked out together in silence.

"Uh." Alex mumbled as they came closer to the parking lot. "Do you wanna... Grab something to drink?" He asked, looking at her with a stoic face.

"I think Joe's closed." She reminded him frowning; he nodded before turning to walk away. "But I..." She started, making him turn around to look at her. "I have tequila at home."

* * *

It was New Year's Eve and it felt like a long time coming but they were finally operating on Nicholas Jacobson. The equipment was ready, beautiful in Nina's opinion because it would save the little boy's life. She could tell Derek was anxious; AVMs were rare and operations like this one even rarer but she trusted him. If there was anyone who she knew could pull this off, it was Derek Shepherd.

"Oh, how's it handling?" Arizona asked as she watched Derek starting with the new equipment.

"It could bend a little more gently." Derek answered quietly.

"Don't get all critical. Thing cost me a fortune." Mark complained with a smile.

"I could use one more day to practice." Derek sighed. "Okay. Inserting the clip applier."

"Why don't you try torquing it a little to get a different angle?" Nina suggested, trying to ease him up.

The surgery went on and as she assisted him, Nina couldn't help her mind from wandering. A new year was coming and she promised herself she would make sure that it was better than the one ending. She had to, this year sucked.

"Okay. There it is." Derek said. "Got it. That's the last clip."

"Oh, my god!" Arizona exclaimed as they all started celebrating it, feeling the anxiety leaving their bodies because the surgery had been a success.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we're done here." Derek said, grinning now.

"Nice work. Beautiful." Mark complimented his friend.

"Hang on. Look at the clock." Derek called for everyone's attention. "And that's, uh, seven, six..."

"Five, four..." They continued the countdown together; Nina, Derek, Meredith, Arizona, Mark and Lexie. "Three, two, one. Happy new year!"

May it be the best one yet.


	6. i'm fine

**vi. i'm fine**

_(song by travie)_

_._

_._

People love making plans when a new year starts, they write down goals and call it resolutions. Read more books, exercise three times a week, travel to a tropic island, use sunscreen… But most of them fail even before the first month comes to an end because the excitement of a new year starting makes them momentarily forget who they truly are.

As Nina walked out of SGMW's parking lot, pulling her coat closer to herself and walking fast into the hospital because of the cold; she almost ran into Alex as he too dashed inside. Her relationship with Alex had changed a bit since Christmas, she thought they had a better understanding of each other since drinking themselves stupid that night, even if they had avoided the serious conversations and mainly talked about sports, music and booze.

"Hey." Alex greeted her with a smile. "New hair." He took notice with a nod of his head as they walked alongside to the elevator.

"Yeah." She shrugged but couldn't stop her hands from lifting themselves into her hair self-consciously. "Thought I could use a change." She explained the sudden decision of dying her once blonde hair the new vividly copper color.

"Pretty." He complimented offhandedly, making her laugh.

"Thanks." She said sarcastically as they walked into the lift.

"Oh, I got you a present." He said after a few seconds as if he just remembered it.

"What?" She asked with a surprised grin. "Seriously?" She asked again as he opened his backpack and seemed to pull something out of it.

"Well, it's a little delayed but… I was at this liquor store and I saw it… Figured I still owed you." He rolled his eyes with a smile before opening the gray plastic bag and pulling a bottle of Don Julio's 1942 out of it.

"You got me a bottle of 1942?" She asked in between laughs, taking the long brown bottle from his hands and checking it over.

"I had to." He complained. "You almost slapped me when I broke the one you had." He reminded her, the two laughing as they remembered Christmas.

They had gone back to her apartment after their shifts were over, Nina promising she had enough alcohol at home to make the two of them pass out drunk in no time. Alex had been surprised by her make-shift home bar in that tiny studio apartment with barely any furniture and started to inspect the options before he knocked her favorite bottle of tequila off the shelf and let it fall to ground and shatter. She was pissed.

"This is the best tequila in the world, ok?" She defended herself. "You don't just go around breaking a full bottle of the best tequila in the world in people's homes." She repeated the same thing she said to him that night.

"Hundred bucks a bottle, this thing should taste like magic." He scoffed.

"It might as well, it's that good." She explained, shrugging before grinning. "I'm a connoisseur." Alex scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"You need to get your priorities straight." He told her as the elevator stopped at their floor and they walked out.

"What are you talking about?" She rolled her eyes, still holding the bottle to herself like it was a baby.

"You have a full bar of expensive alcohol, you drive a BMW, you wear designer clothes… But you live in a crappy studio apartment and you don't even have a TV." He told her with a frown but laughed under his breath.

"I don't need a TV." She said with a shrug. "I'm barely ever home." She explained, earning a doubtful look from him as they walked. "I'm serious. When I'm off, I want to sleep. I wanna go to the gym or… Dancing, go for a run, take a yoga class…" She listed the things she would rather do. "I don't wanna sit on my ass and watch TV."

"Go dancing?" He repeated with a frown. "Seriously? You dance?"

"I sing too." She smirked at his face. "Love myself some karaoke." She laughed at his face. "We should go sometime."

"Yeah, right." Alex scoffed and she rolled her eyes, he was so grumpy.

"Thank you for my present by the way." She grinned, holding onto the bottle even tighter as they got close to the resident's lounge. "Should I get you something?" She wondered out loud. "I feel like I should get you something." He laughed.

"You don't have to get me anything." He said as they stopped walking.

"It works better for me if you think I won't because then I can surprise you." She grinned, Alex laughing again. "See ya." She winked before walking away to the intern's locker room.

* * *

Nina walked up to her mentor as he seemed to be discussing something with Mark. There was something on her mind that she wanted to say but feared Derek would take it the wrong way. How do you tell the man who's been teaching you for weeks, after you practically begged him to nonetheless, that you want to work under someone else?

"Red hair." Mark was the first one to notice her. "I like it, it's spicy." He teased with a smirk.

"Thanks?" She laughed out.

"Looks good, Nina." Derek complimented in a much more sincere way.

"Thank you." She smiled before biting her lips. "Uh, I wanted to talk to you…" Starting off uncertain only earned her frowns from both doctors.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked with a smile.

"Well…" She mumbled before taking a deep breath. "Please don't take this the wrong way but I would like to be excused from your service… At least for today." She said in all in one breath.

"You don't wanna work with me anymore?" Derek frowned as Mark only raised his eyebrow. "Who are you gonna work with?" He scoffed, seemingly displeased. "Nelson?" He asked, making Mark laugh.

"Actually I've been thinking…" She mumbled under the annoyed eyes of her mentor. "Maybe I could look into trauma… I don't really have a lot of experience there but…" Derek scoffed again, making her frown. "Uh, it seems…" She averted his eyes. "Interesting."

"Trauma is for meat-ballers." Mark added his two cents in. "It's team sport, you don't want that. You should shine on your own."

"I can work in a team." Nina defended her plan, earning an eye roll from Derek. "You don't think I can work in a team?" She asked feeling offended.

"I think you don't have to." He explained. "You have talent, a natural ability, steady hands and a calm composure…" He told her earnestly, trying to talk her out of her trauma ideas. "That would just be wasted on trauma."

"I…" She sighed under their glares. "I'm only an intern, I shouldn't be so certain on a specialty yet." She told them, eager for the two to understand where she was coming from. "Now it's the time to try, right? I should experiment and see what I like best while I have the time."

"You don't like working with me." Derek said as if he came to a realization. "Is that it? I'm not a good mentor."

"That's not it." She rolled her eyes. "This isn't about you, it's about me. I want to try new things. Please don't take it personal."

"You change your hair color and suddenly you don't wanna be a neurosurgeon anymore?" Mark scoffed, shaking his head with Derek nodding in disbelief.

"You didn't want to try new things in Chicago…" Derek contemplated. "It's me, I'm not as good a mentor as Hyams."

"Tell him what he can improve." Mark urged the intern as she stood there not knowing what else to say.

"Derek." She called his name because he seemed to be looking right past her. "You're a good mentor. I just want to see what's out there." She explained again. "Maybe I'll be back tomorrow... I just need some time." Nina said calmly before smiling at him and walking away.

"My intern just dumped me." Derek said quietly to Mark, giving a dry laugh at the end of his sentence.

"She'll be back." Mark tried to give support somehow, patting his friend on the back.

* * *

After that weirdly sentimental exchange with Derek and Mark, Nina set off to find Dr. Hunt. Being the Head of Trauma, she figured he'd be the right man to tell her who to shadow for the day. As she looked for the man, she hoped Derek wouldn't take it personal because it truly wasn't personal at all. She liked working with him, she really did, and if she didn't she would have given up a long time ago, probably around the same time the rumors about the two started going off; she hoped he realized that.

The truth was that, just like many people around the world, Nina had a New Year's resolution of hers that she was trying to accomplish. She wanted to give trauma a chance, she had worked on a few trauma cases before briefly in Chicago and it felt so intense being the person responsible for resuscitating and stabilizing someone before analyzing what exactly was wrong with them. Trauma surgery was the closest thing to a first responder that surgeons could get, Nina thought with a grin.

"Dr. Hunt." She called for the man when she finally found. "Hi." She smiled as he looked at her. "Uh, I would like to…" She stopped, not knowing how to phrase it. "I was thinking of working in Trauma today… Can you tell me who I can shadow or something?"

"You want to work in Trauma?" He frowned. "I thought you were with Shepherd… And strictly into Neuro."

"I always had an interest in Trauma." She explained for the second time today. "I would like to see if it's really for me."

"Well, I don't think we have any major traumas…" He said pensively. "But let's go."

* * *

Covering the pit wasn't exactly what Nina had in mind when she decided to tell Derek she didn't want to be on his service today. Maybe she should have kept her mouth shut until a big trauma came in, she thought while laughing under her breath as she stitched up yet another small laceration on yet another patient.

"Hey, can you take care of that guy over there?" A nurse came over to her, pointing towards a man that had just walked in.

"Sure." Nina answered and the nurse quickly handed over his chart.

The intern scanned the chart as she walked over to the new patient. Male, 29 years old, no known allergies, in because of a deep cut on his right foot. She looked up at the patient sitting down on the bed then, he was an attractive guy, heavily tattooed, with a bored look on his face as he waited to be treated.

"Jay Mills?" She asked with a smile as she stopped in front of him.

"Yeah." He nodded with a small smile.

"I'm Dr. White, I'm gonna take care of you, ok?" He nodded again. "Can you lie down for me?"

The patient leaned over into a laying position, careful of his right foot that was completely hidden by a white towel covered in blood.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Nina asked as she lifted the towel off.

"I was making lunch." He laughed as he started to explain. "Chopping onions." He shook his head. "Then I dropped a knife on my foot."

"You dropped a knife on your foot?" Nina repeated as a question, shocked.

"Yep. Blood spurted everywhere. I tried to stop the bleeding with a towel…" He told her, nodding to the towel she had pulled aside. "That was the third one, you shoulda seen the first two."

"Wow." Nina laughed a little. "You didn't drive here, I hope."

"My neighbor." He said with a grin. "How does it look?" He asked as he tried to take a look himself. "Is it bad?"

"Don't worry, it's only going to take a couple of stitches." She reassured him.

The bleeding had stopped and the wound was rather small, he was lucky enough the knife got the bridge of his foot and not one of his toes. Nina cleaned his wound, applied a local anesthetic and stitched him up.

"You're all done." She smiled at the patient. "Just wait a few before you leave so the local anesthesia wears off, alright?"

"Yeah, sure." He smiled back. "Thanks, doc. Thought I was gonna lose my foot or something."

* * *

A few minutes later Nina watched as Derek, Callie and Bailey walked through the E.R. followed by Alex, Meredith and Reed. She frowned, wondering what was going on she followed them.

"Hey, what happened?" She asked as she watched them getting trauma gowns on.

"Life's funny, isn't it?" Derek asked, ignoring her as he asked Callie. "Dr. White here decided to leave my service because she wanted trauma." He told the others as they were tying each other's gowns. "Now I have one and she's stuck in the pit." He smirked at her then, making her scoff and cross her arms.

"Seriously?" Nina rolled her eyes. "I told you not to take it personal."

"Well, it felt personal so that's how I took it." Derek bit back under the watchful eyes of the others.

"Yeah, well, I don't want your trauma." She said knowing it was childish but she was frustrated.

"Good, because you can't have it." He sneered before walking away to meet the ambulances.

"Dude, what did you do to him?" Alex asked laughing before walking away too like the others.

Nina rolled her eyes and headed back inside, being called over by Jay Mills as she passed his bed.

"Yes, Mr. Mills?" She smiled politely as she walked up to him.

"Mr. Mills? Is my dad here?" He joked. "Please, call me Jay." She laughed.

"Jay, is there anything wrong?" She asked out of habit.

"Nah, just wondering if I can leave." He explained.

They performed a quick test to see if he already had full feeling of his right foot, which he did so Nina told him he could leave anytime. Jay pulled himself into a seating position and slowly got himself up, careful of applying pressure to his foot. He smiled at her and offered his right hand for a handshake that Nina gladly took. He took a cautious step forward as she watched, extended his hand to hold onto the neighboring bed for balance but missed it completely. Nina stood confused as she took hold of his arm to steady him after he almost fell over.

"Do you wear glasses, Jay?" She asked him.

"No." He smiled. "Why?"

* * *

"Dr. Shepherd?" Nina called for the man as she saw him talking to Bailey. "I need to talk to you." She breathed out when she finally stopped in front of him. "I ran here." She explained as she breathed heavily.

"Dr. White." Derek said; his voice amused. "Back already." He gloated. "I figured this would happen." He crossed his arms as he stared at the intern.

"No." She glared at him before pulling up Jay Mills' chart. "I have something you need to see."

Jay Mills had a malignant glioma that was pressing against his optic nerve, meaning he was slowly on the way to lose his sight; that is, of course, if he survived long enough. It was never easy having to tell someone they were dying, particularly harder when they walked into the hospital thinking they only had a silly small injury to worry about.

"You have what is called a malignant glioma, it's a brain tumor that starts in the glial cells." Derek started to explain to the patient, as Nina and Reed stood beside him. "In your case, the tumor is pressing against the optic nerve and it can cause visual loss."

"I don't understand…" Jay started to shake his head. "I feel fine." He said in disbelief. "I mean, I have headaches here and there but… A tumor?"

"Headache can be a symptom." Nina responded.

"Mr. Mills, this tumor is very dangerous." Derek continued. "It's what we call an inoperable tumor; the life expectancy is around 14 months with treatment, chemo, radiation..." He said as to make the patient understand exactly how serious it was. "However there's a method I have developed where we inject the tumor with a virus that would attack it and shrink it. But even with that, there are risks; because the tumor is pressing against your optic nerve, it could make you blind or you could die in surgery."

"And without treatment?" Jay asked, making Nina frown.

"3 months." Derek answered.

"Oh my god." Jay mumbled. "Why can't you take it out?"

"It's too dangerous, you could die." Reed answered.

"So what you're saying is that I'm gonna die either way." Jay groaned loudly.

"We're saying that you have a lot to think about, and we understand you need some time." Derek started saying before being interrupted by the patient.

"No, I don't." Jay disagreed. "I don't want any treatment; I'd rather die without being poked at."

"What?" Nina gasped quietly. "Jay, you could live up to 5 years with chemo and radiation; even more if surgery is successful." She said as she stepped closer to his bed.

"You don't get it, ok?" He scoffed. "I'm a tattoo artist, I drive a motorcycle, I don't pay taxes..." He said, shaking his head and laughing sarcastically. "I always thought I was gonna live fast and die young, you know?" He dropped his head against the pillow. "I don't wanna go in and out of chemo while I slowly die for five years."

"But…" Nina frowned. "Jay…"

"Dr. White." Derek called her name, fearing she would overstep the boundaries.

"It's ok, doc." He grinned at her. "You're clean-cut, people like you never get it."

"Nina." Derek called her again and this time she let herself fall back and soon the three doctors walked out of the room.

* * *

After that disastrous, in Nina's opinion, consultation she decided to go to the gallery to watch Cristina Yang's first solo Cardio surgery. She figured that if something were to cheer her up, it would be seeing her former resident shine for the first time by herself. She encountered Hunt on the way and they walked together.

"How's it going?" Hunt asked the others watching as they walked inside the gallery.

"Yang's killing her patient and Altman's reading The Atlantic Monthly." Alex answered with a sneer, without taking his eyes off the glass.

"Oh no." Nina gasped as she watched her former resident work down below.

"Hey." Alex looked up at the sound of her voice, smiling at her when she looked his way. "What's wrong?" He asked, noticing the look on her face.

"My patient is dying." She told him; resting her elbow on his shoulders as she stood beside him, him sitting down. "Malignant glioma. He doesn't want treatment."

"That sucks." He frowned.

"Yeah, I came here to cheer myself up but…"

"You know what should cheer you up?" Alex asked with a smirk. "Downing that 1942 after our shift." Nina laughed under her breath. "Maybe even some karaoke…" He shrugged.

"You wouldn't!" She gasped as she looked down at him.

"I would to cheer you up."

"Don't threaten me with a good time." She joked and the two laughed.

"Since when are you two friends?" Meredith couldn't keep her tongue inside her mouth, utterly confused by the whole exchange she had just witnessed.

"Mer." Alex groaned as he looked back at her, annoyed that she was meddling again. "Can't you stay out of my business for one second?"

"I've never even seen you two talking before." Meredith ignored him. "Now you're cheering her up and all smiley faces?" Alex rolled his eyes at her accusing tone. "You're still married."

"Oh." Nina gasped softly. "It's not like that." She explained hurriedly to the blond resident.

"Ugh." Alex groaned before turning around fully on his chair, deciding to make Meredith understand. "We spent Christmas together, ok? We talked and had a few drinks, it was fun but no sex; Nina and I are just friends." Meredith's frown only deepened, making him roll his eyes again. "What? I can't have friends anymore?"

"You lied to me." Meredith turned to Nina, her voice accusatory again; the intern blushing under her gaze. "You told me you were working the night shift."

"Uh, I…" Nina started saying but was cut off by Reed.

"Do you people never shut up?" The pixie-cut resident complained loudly, giving the intern in special a rather nasty glare.

They all kept quiet from then on, going back to watching as Cristina made a decision and the surgery evolved into a success.

* * *

Nina was determined as she walked back into Jay Mills' room, he was yet to be discharged because of all the paper work and she wanted to try to make him see reason. He looked up at her with a smile when she came closer and she smiled back politely.

"I'm not as clean-cut as you think, you know." She told him and he gave out a loud laugh.

"Yeah?" He doubted. "You stole a lollipop once?"

"Hey." She complained and they laughed. "A car, actually." She said to his surprise. "I was 14, drove it right into a fire hydrant." She laughed out and he followed. "It was our neighbor's; my mom convinced him not to press charges."

"Wow, count me down as shocked." Jay laughed.

"See this?" She showed him her left ear where you could still see the holes from where she had taken off her piercings. "Ten on this ear, eight on the other."

"Very girly." He commented.

"Yeah? What about this?" She showed him her tongue, where her venom piercing still laid.

"Dr. White?" Reed asked as she walked in to Nina showing the patient her tongue. "What are you doing?"

"She was showing me her piercings." Jay explained with a grin.

"Of course she was." Reed mumbled. "I came in to bring you this pamphlet, Mr. Mills; it's very informative."

"Thanks." He smiled as he took the pamphlets off her hands before turning to Nina again. "Any tattoos?" He smirked.

"Only about thirty." Nina shrugged with a smirk of her own.

"No way." He scoffed. "I bet you have one tiny butterfly on you somewhere, probably your ankle." He laughed again.

"How very sexist of you, Mr. Mills." She teased him. "I have a full back, if you must know, a bunch of small designs coming together…"

"Nothing visible?" He questioned. "Convenient."

"I'm a surgeon." She shrugged. "It works best for me if my patients think I'm clean-cut." Using his words against him, the two laughed as Reed simply stood there watching in. "I get it, you know. That you're scared. The odds are against you, it's very understandable." She said in a more serious voice, making him sigh.

"The way I live…" He told her quietly. "If I lose my sight, it's not worth living." Nina walked closer and took his hand in hers.

"But you can't just give up." She said. "Come on, tattooed people are bad asses. We don't give up." He laughed at her wording.

"Yeah." He mused. "What would you do if you were me?"

"I'd risk it all." She told him the truth. "I'd have the surgery." She smiled. "Dr. Shepherd is one of the best Neurosurgeons in the country and this method… It's all his, he developed it. If I needed a surgery and I had the chance to have it performed by the man who invented it, why wouldn't I want him to do it?"

* * *

She sat with Jay while Reed went to page Derek; Jay had agreed to surgery after Nina explained exactly how it worked and she couldn't be more ecstatic about it. Even if the chances were slim, they still existed and that was good enough. She saw through the window in the room when Derek walked closer, Reed meeting him and the two starting to talk. Nina excused herself to Jay and walked outside, closing the door.

"Is this true?" Derek asked as soon as she walked over.

"Yes, he wants the surgery." Nina grinned.

"You flirted your patient into surgery?" Derek asked in disbelief, making her frown in confusion.

"What?" She scoffed.

"A surgery he clearly didn't want, to begin with." Reed interrupted before Derek could respond.

"I... What?" Nina mumbled. "What are you talking about?"

"I was there, ok?" Reed reminded her. "The way the guy was looking at you, he would have agreed to give up a kidney if you were the one asking." Reed sneered, crossing her arms as she glared at the intern.

"What is your problem?" Nina asked the resident. "I wasn't flirting." She defended herself, looking at Derek this time.

"Look, I understand you probably didn't mean to…" Derek started saying but Reed cut him off.

"Yes, she did. She was showing off her piercings and everything." Reed told him. "Ridiculous."

"I wasn't flirting!" Nina repeated a little louder, making Derek urge her into an empty room and ask Reed to wait outside so they could talk.

"What did you tell the patient?" He asked calmly. "Did you say anything that he could have misinterpreted?"

"You believe her?" She asked, offended that he would.

"That's not what I said." He shook his head. "All I'm saying is that some men may think that a beautiful woman is flirting with them based on what is said."

"I wasn't flirting with him." She cut him off, mad. "I was talking to my patient about the thing I could easily access as something we had in common. To make him trust me! And it worked because I'm a very good and compassionate doctor." She continued talking over him as he tried to stop her. "After the patient was comfortable enough with me, I decided he was ready to hear about the surgery he needs again and I explained the procedure to him so well that he agreed to it. Know why? Because I possess a natural ability to easily explain things to grown men with huge egos who always think they know more than anyone, especially if that anyone is a woman who they think only have her appearance going for her."

"Nina." Derek sighed. "You know that's not what I meant…"

"With all due respect, Dr. Shepherd, I could not care less what you meant to do or say to me. You are not the first and unfortunately won't be the last person on this hospital to assume you know anything about me because of the way I look." She walked around him, heading for the door. "I know what people say about me behind my back, about the two of us... But I am a good intern and I will be a great surgeon, whether the people here believe in me or not. That includes you."

Nina walked away from him, noticing the fake smile on Reed's face as she shoved past her. She didn't stop walking until she was in the intern's locker room, where she changed out of her scrubs into normal clothes. As she started to leave the hospital, she wondered if this was her walking away again. Old habits die hard, she thought bitterly.


	7. everything i wanted

**vii. everything i wanted**

_(song by billie eilish)_

_._

_._

Being a neurosurgeon was the only thing Nina had been sure about for as long as she could remember. And she liked to say that it all linked back to her daddy issues. Her father was a police officer who got injured while on the job, suffering severe head trauma that led him into a coma and ultimately being taken off life support. She was 8 and the only thing she remembered about that day was that her mother pulled her out of school early and took her to get ice cream. She remembered it because she had found it extremely weird, she hadn't seen her mother in months and her father was always the one to pick her up from school. She couldn't remember her mother telling her what happened or even being to the hospital to see him one last time, they told her later that she had went into shock.

The one thing that always resonated within her was that her father died a hero, that he was brave. And for a while back then she wanted to be just like him, even telling her classmates she was gonna die a hero like her dad – something that made her sit through months of therapy because some kids really can't keep their mouths shut and just be cool –, but things changed as she got older. Somewhere along the lines, Nina realized she didn't want to be the hero (the headstrong, daring, impulsive ones); she wanted to be the calm and collected person waiting on the sidelines ready to save them. It was the reason she wanted to be a surgeon, her father's case only strengthening her passion for neurological cases. But lately she had been questioning a lot of things, one of them being her favorite specialty.

Nina wasn't the kind of person to lie to herself, she knew her life was a little weird right now and she knew that she was the sole culprit for the current whirlwind of emotions she was going through. It wasn't anyone's fault but her own that she made the choices she made; not her father's fault that he died when she was 8, not her mother's fault that she had nothing in common with her, not her stepfather's fault that her parents had gotten divorced, not Liam's fault that she had gotten pregnant and definitely not Jake's fault that all he wanted was a family.

Sometimes people forget that every choice they make has a consequence that they will have to live with forever, and Nina was still learning through trial and error how to live with hers. At some point, in Chicago, she thought she had it all right. She was on her way to become a neurosurgeon, she was trying for a better relationship with her family, she was married to an incredible guy who had an incredible job and an incredible family… She had everything she thought she wanted but it still didn't feel right, then a couple of bad choices later here she was.

Lying on her couch with a bottle of wine in hands, she considered everything that happened earlier in the day; telling Derek she wanted to work in Trauma, discovering Jay Mills' malignant glioma, convincing him to get the surgery, Reed accusing her of flirting with the patient, her yelling at Derek when he believed Reed's words. Had she overreacted? Most definitely. Did she regret yelling at Derek Shepherd? Absolutely. Did she desperately want to punch that bitch Reed Adamson? In a heartbeat.

But even through the anger she felt, the most prominent feeling was frustration and it wasn't directed towards anyone else. Nina felt deeply frustrated with herself because, after that stupid episode, the first thought that ran through her mind was leaving and it came as a realization to her that she always seemed to come back to that. Kahlani White was a deserter, a coward, nothing like her father before her; if someone were to describe her that's what they'd say, she thought. Kahlani White? Oh, the girl who leaves everything behind when it gets a little too difficult? Yeah, that bitch was a wimp.

But, fuck, she was trying! The way she saw it, all the choices she had made before led her to this exact moment and when she looked back she could pinpoint what she could blame it all on: Neurosurgery. If she weren't so keen on being a neurosurgeon… She wouldn't have begged her mother to let her attend a boarding school halfway across the country; she wouldn't have attended Harvard and met Dr. Zachary King; she wouldn't have worked closely with Dr. King and he wouldn't have become her mentor; he then wouldn't have introduced her to his son Jacob and they would never have gotten married.

* * *

It was a couple of hours later when Alex knocked on her door; she had taken a shower, changed into some pajamas and the bottle of wine was long gone. As she opened the door to find him, frown on his face and pizza box on his hands; Nina laughed under her breath before letting him walk in. Apparently, Alex Karev was a better friend that she had ever imagined he'd be.

"You brought me food?" She grinned and he shrugged like it wasn't a big deal.

"Pepperoni." He sat down on her couch, placing the pizza box on the coffee table. "You wanna talk or you wanna eat?"

"I wanna rub this pizza oil all over my face." She mumbled as she opened the pizza box and took a slice out, Alex laughing.

"Guess that answers it." He shook his head and took a slice for himself. "Sure you don't wanna badmouth McDreamy?"

"Did he tell you what happened?" She asked, taking a seat next to him.

"No." He shrugged. "Just that he wanted you to know he was sorry, Meredith probably blabbed that we've been hanging out."

"He accused me of flirting, I yelled at him and then I ran away." She confessed.

"You flirted with Shepherd?" He repeated making a face.

"No! With a patient." She rolled her eyes. "The guy with the malignant glioma." She reminded him. "But I wasn't flirting. This is all Reed's fault." She complained, getting angrier as she remembered. "She's a bitch, by the way, forget what I told you about cutting her some slack. She doesn't even deserve to be your one night stand."

"Oh so you're picking who I can sleep with now?" He teased but didn't tell her about the whole thing that day about Reed believing he wanted to trade surgery for sex with her.

"You're my only friend in Seattle, Alex, you better get used to me being overbearing." She shrugged but laughed at the look on his face. "You know what? Tell me about your day, I already spent way too much time thinking about my problems… Tell me about yours."

"Well…" He paused to think of what to say. "I think I'm gonna move back into Meredith's house." He told her. "I can't stay in that trailer for one more day."

"Oh, good for you." She complimented. "That's moving on, it's growth, that's good." She grinned. "You know, you can stay with me if you want… If you don't mind sleeping on the couch." She laughed after realizing she didn't have much space to offer him.

"Yeah… Thanks but Meredith's has beds." He laughed with her. "I still don't get why you live in this crappy place." He made a show of looking around at her studio.

"Because I couldn't commit to a 3 month lease and all the nice places don't take month-to-month." She told him the truth, making him look at her in surprise.

"You think you might leave?" He frowned and she shrugged. "Back to Chicago?"

"Who knows? Maybe home, maybe Mexico..." She giggled. "I'm motherfucking Carmen Sandiego."

"Who?" He questioned confused and she rolled her eyes.

"Ugh, I forget you're old." She said referencing their six years of age difference.

"I'm 29." Alex complained but she ignored it.

"I think I need to move on too…" She sighed. "I thought that was what I was doing today, the whole trying to work in Trauma thing, you know?" He nodded as she spoke. "But it wasn't what I thought."

"I don't get it." He told her what he had been thinking sincerely. "You like Neuro, everyone knows it. Why are you trying to move on from Neuro?"

"Because I live in denial." She confessed with a bitter laugh. "I'm blaming Neurosurgery for my problems because if I don't… Then I'll have to admit that I'm the one to blame." She rested her head on the couch as she finished before mumbling. "I'm a mess."

"Come on." He scoffed. "You're being too hard on yourself." He made her look him in the eyes. "Everyone in that hospital knows that Nina White is the best intern in her year, you're giving residents a run for their money, people call you Rockstar. I don't think you're a mess at all." She grinned at him when he finished speaking.

"But that's the thing, work used to be the only place I didn't feel like a mess at but here in Seattle… People talk about me behind my back, they gossip, say that I'm only getting ahead because of the way I look… And I didn't let it get to me but… I thought that if someone here was to have my back, that it would be my mentor." She sighed. "I thought Derek would have my back."

"Screw Shepherd." Alex scoffed loudly. "I'll have your back."

* * *

When she walked into SGMW the next morning, with a ridiculously painful headache nonetheless, Nina was still confused as to what her next steps should be. Part of her wanted to find Derek Shepherd and apologize for the overreaction, ask to be on his service again and start looking for a new apartment. But the other part of her wanted him to say sorry first and try a little harder to like Trauma.

She didn't really get a chance to dash into the pit and start suturing trivial injuries because Derek found her before she could hide away from him. Clearly, it pays off to be nice to the nurses because they will act like police dogs for you if you ask nicely; he intercepted the intern as soon as she walked out of the locker room dressed for the day.

"Dr. Shepherd." Nina sighed when she saw him standing in her way.

"Nina." Derek smiled. "I figured we should talk."

"Look…" She shook her head.

"I want you to know that I'm sorry." He interrupted her before she could walk away. "I believe in you, ok? I know you're going to be a great surgeon, that's why I agreed to mentoring you. The way you look had nothing to do with my decision." He stressed it.

"I know." She nodded. "I overreacted… It's just…" She mumbled. "Yesterday, I…"

"What is it?" He frowned at her loss of words. "Is there something bothering you?" She shook her head. "Nina, you can talk to me. Is this about the other interns?"

"No." She scoffed with a roll of her eyes. "I don't care about them."

"Then what's going on?" He asked quieter. "Remember how you said the mysterious thing was gonna have to end at some point?" He smiled, calling back to their first real conversation. "I think the time is now." She laughed under her breath.

"Yesterday was the anniversary of my dad's passing."

"Oh, Nina, I'm so sorry." He frowned before taking her hands in his.

"He was a cop, he got shot in the line of duty and his brain started bleeding too much and uh, he was brain dead when they got him to the hospital." She cleared her throat. "He's the reason I've always wanted to be a neurosurgeon."

"It's very admirable."

"He was a hero but I, I'm not." She sighed. "It all just made me think that… Maybe I'm not doing what I'm supposed to, you know? Maybe this career isn't for me, I don't know."

"Nina, listen to me." Derek started saying, making sure they were eye to eye. "You are going to be one of the greatest neurosurgeons this world has ever seen but you have to believe in yourself if you want to get there."

"I…" She started to disagree but he interrupted.

"Everyone has doubts in the beginning." He said with a shake of his head. "But you can't let other people dictate your life. Doing this for your dad is a beautiful thing but… At the end of the day, you have to want this. Do you want it?"

* * *

The thing about remembering who you are is that it feels like a rush of wind kissing all over your face. It's euphoria, homecoming, bliss. You start wondering how you could ever doubt yourself before and why you let what others think or say get in the way of what you want. Because nobody knows you better than yourself and you are not living your life for anyone but yourself.

As Nina scrubbed in alongside Derek, she sighed as she thought about the last couple of days. She had let the anxiety of a new year starting confuse her to no end, the self-doubt and remorse that had been building for months finding shelter in the uncertainty she felt. But she was ready now to let go of the guilt.

"Ready?" Derek asked with a smile; she turned to him and grinned.

"More than ever."

Jay Mills' surgery was the hardest and most complex Nina had ever been a part of. Sure, she was there during Isaac's surgery but Derek didn't trust her yet and he barely let her do anything so she mostly watched but Jay's… Jay's surgery was when she truly started to feel like a surgeon, this was the moment she knew she was on the right track.

As Derek injected the virus into the glioma, Nina could swear her heart was going to beat out of her chest any second. The anticipation, the fear but hope that the tumor would start to shrink… It was extraordinary, a high that no drug could provide.

"Oh my God." She said as they were scrubbing out; grin on her face. "That was amazing." She breathed out causing Derek to laugh.

"Still think you want to _try Trauma_?" He teased.

"God no." She mumbled. "If I ever say anything like that again, I want you to slap me." He laughed out loud.

"I'm just gonna hope it doesn't have to come to that."

* * *

It was the end to an incredible day and all she wanted to do was have a drink to celebrate the turn of events. Walking into the Emerald City Bar, she quickly took a look around for Alex who had told her to meet him there. He was sitting at the bar nursing a beer already so she walked over and plopped down on the chair next to him.

"Happy?" He asked with a sneer at the grin on her face.

"My patient with the malignant glioma? Derek and I performed his surgery today, he's tumor-free."

"Hey!" He raised his beer bottle. "I'll drink to that." Then took a gulp of his beer as she turned to order one for herself. "So no more playing around with Trauma for you?" He teased and she rolled her eyes.

"Eh." Nina shrugged. "Who was I kidding? I'm a Neuro whore."

"You are so weird." Alex laughed under his breath as she was presented with a beer from Joe.

A couple of beers, medical stories and complaints about work later; Nina started to feel a little buzzed and a lot more carefree. She was in a good mood because Jay Mills was going to live a long happy life but her mind couldn't stop going over that decision she had made earlier in the day, the decision to be more open with the truth about her own life.

"Hey, uh… Remember that night here at the bar? That thing I told you?" She asked with a frown.

"The thing you asked me to forget about?" Alex stared at her, small smirk on the corner of his lips; she nodded.

"I haven't talked about it… With anyone." She sighed. "And I've wanted to tell you since Christmas but… I didn't want you to…" She shook her head. "I don't think you're gonna like me much after this… And I like you, you know, you're an ass and it makes me laugh."

"Thanks?" Alex scoffed.

"You know what I mean!" She rolled her eyes. "Under all the sarcasm and bitterness, you're a good guy." He gave her a more sincere smile.

"Did you kill someone?" He guessed making her laugh.

"No but…" She took a breath, placing her beer bottle on the counter. "I'm Izzie."

"What?" He frowned.

"In the story of Alex and Izzie, you're the good guy, you're the one who stayed and tried to make it work… Izzie left." She retold it, as if he wouldn't have known the story of his own life. "I'm Izzie."

"What are you trying to say, Nina?"

"I'm married."


	8. if you're gonna lie

**viii. if you're gonna lie**

_(song by fletcher)_

_._

_._

Early morning when she watched from the gallery, along with a lot of people, Miranda Bailey perform a hot chemo lavage; Nina really thought that was going to be the highlight of her day. Not only was the surgery interestingly complex and something the intern had never seen before, it was also the infamous _Nazi _operating and she hadn't had the chance to see Dr. Bailey in the O.R. until then. It was amazing but damn, the day had a lot more coming.

She was "back" on Cristina's service because, sadly, as an intern she couldn't just stick to Neurosurgery, she had to learn a bit of everything if she wanted to pass the intern exam in a couple of months. Truthfully, she knew she was gonna have to ask to be on a lot of other people's services if she wanted diverse experience because Cristina clearly wasn't interested in anything other than Cardio but that's another story.

"I thought it was infection, right? Like pneumonia?" Their patient, Aaron Mafrici, asked as Cristina held his arms still for Alex to insert the needle in his lower back.

"Oh, that's one of the possibilities." Cristina answered.

"What are the others?" Mr. Mafrici asked again.

"Well, the fluid could also indicate…" Cristina started to answer before Teddy interrupted.

"Yang. Karev made the diagnosis. Let him talk." Teddy spoke in a strong voice, making Cristina and Alex exchange childish looks.

"Uh…" Alex started to say. "Heart failure and cancer could also cause this much fluid to occur."

"Cancer?" The patient exchanged a look with his companion. "Would you have to remove my lung?"

"Aaron, he just said cancer is only a possibility."

"I sing. It's my entire life." He interrupted.

"Um…" His companion scoffed. "Besides me." His voice seemed to falter slightly. "What you meant to say was that singing was your entire life besides me."

If Nina could describe the look the two men exchanged with one word, it would be resignation. Oh, it was a look she knew well from what felt like a former life; one she didn't miss for a second.

* * *

Nina didn't know Lexie Grey all that well; they had worked together before and both even attended Thanksgiving at Callie's place where she found the brunette to be much more friendly than her sister but there wasn't much substance to the conversations they've had before. Still, the intern was in a good mood now that she decided to be more open with people at SGMW so when she saw the resident walk past her at a nurse station, she got up and followed.

"Hey." She greeted her quickly. "I heard Callie has chicken pox." She said, having heard from the nurses that Arizona had entrusted Lexie to Callie's care.

"Oh, uh, yeah." Lexie replied with a small smile. "Why?"

"No reason." The intern shrugged. "Just wanted to see her, talk for a bit, I don't know. Being quarantined probably sucks; I'd want people to pop by if it were me."

"Oh." Lexie nodded to her logic. "I'm going there now, do you wanna come with?" The intern quickly agreeing at the offer.

The two walked in comfortable silence as Lexie showed her the way to the quarantine area where Callie was staying, they were gowned before entering while Lexie asked if the intern had chicken pox before which Nina found funny because if she hadn't, why would she volunteer to visit Callie?

"Arizona thought some work might take your mind off itching." Lexie said as she entered the room to find Callie standing beside the bed and clearly trying to scratch her back against the wall.

"And I just wanted to come over and see how you're doing." Nina said walking in right after the resident with a smirk on her face.

It was hilariously sad to watch as Callie begged and tried to bargain with the two to take off her _gauze paws_ that were deterring her from scratching. The intern would have laughed if Callie wouldn't have started to talk about the pain that came with itching, it kinda made her feel a little bad.

"I had sex with Alex." Lexie blurted out when Callie came close to her face saying she was feeling the dark kind of crazy. "I had sex with Alex, which I regret, okay? Completely, because I am in love with Mark. I didn't think. But I'm scared that I can't handle the daughter and the baby and the "Mark's gonna be a grandpa" thing." She continued her sudden confession to Nina's absolute surprise and Callie's clear annoyance.

The resident then started to explain she was in pain too but Callie wouldn't have any of it, telling her their pain had nothing in common and proceeded to throw the resident out. Nina laughed to herself in disbelief of everything that just happened in what felt like one single minute as she walked out right after Lexie.

"Please don't tell anyone." Lexie asked with a sad little look on her face.

"I won't." Nina promised but couldn't help another laugh from leaving her lips and Lexie frowned. "I'm sorry." She apologized. "I'm not laughing at you, it's just… That scene was priceless." She giggled again and Lexie joined in after a few seconds, laughing at herself for the first time.

* * *

Ever since she was scorned by the interns, Nina had been either having lunch by herself – which was as depressing as it sounds – or with Derek. However, she wasn't working with her mentor today and for that she went looking for the next best thing, her new-found only friend in this rainy city. The downside was that Alex liked having lunch with his fellow resident friends, which wouldn't be such a problem if Meredith could just pretend to despise her a little less.

"So you two have lunch together now?" Meredith asked with a glare as soon as Alex walked into the skills lab followed by the intern.

"Cut it out, Mer." Alex groaned as the two sat down with their trays at the same table Cristina was at.

"Please have pity on me, the other interns hate me." Nina said as she looked at Meredith with what she hoped was an innocent look, making Alex and Cristina laugh under their breath and Jackson, who was right beside Meredith, scoff.

"See? She's funny." Alex defended her presence with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Wonder why they hate you." Meredith replied, still glaring but not as hard as before; Nina could swear she was almost smirking.

"Eh." Nina replied as she opened her bottle of water and took a sip. "Most people hate me at first." She confessed. "It's usually jealousy." She made a vague gesture with her hand. "But it's cool, I grow on people." She grinned at the resident. "I'll grow on you too, I'm not worried."

"God, to be an over-confident intern again." Jackson teased her and she wondered why the hell he was allowed there.

"So…" Cristina started to change the subject, talking excitedly with her hands. "Okay, if you had to choose between the thing you love… Surgery… And the person you love, which would you choose?" She completed her thought making Alex and Nina look at her as they thought about it.

"You would choose Izzie, right?" Meredith interrupted before Alex could answer. "Because you two are gonna get back together." Nina could almost feel the glare burning the side of her face.

"Shut up." Alex groaned again.

"Wait, why do you have to choose?" Jackson interrupted in confusion.

"That doesn't matter." Cristina answered. "You just do. Which is it…? Surgery or love?"

"I want both." Jackson answered as he kept his eyes on what Meredith was doing.

"Now look who's over-confident." Nina mumbled under her breath.

"That's what I said." Meredith spoke, agreeing with Jackson.

"No, you… You can't have both." Cristina disagreed quickly.

"Why the hell not?" Jackson contested making Nina roll her eyes as she and Alex kept quiet.

"Why the hell is he here?" Cristina complained, pointing at Jackson who had an annoying smirk on his face.

"I said he could be in here because he's in the whipple, too." Meredith answered.

"Okay, whatever. Once again, you cannot have both. You have to choose." Cristina insisted.

Just then, the door opened and in walked Izzie Stevens who the intern had no idea was back. As Izzie asked what they were talking about before explaining she was joining them for lunch, Nina could feel the tension and awkwardness in the room. Not only did she now realize that Izzie was back, she knew that Alex had sex with Lexie at some point in the last few days. Just when she decides to be more open and truthful…

"You have to give up that…" Cristina started saying again, pointing at what Meredith was doing on the other table. "Learning the procedure, tuning out the world until you get it, like, you know, doing the procedure is the only thing that matters, like if you don't get to do it, you'll die." She explained it better. "That's what you have to give up." She really seemed to be trying to make everyone see her point of view.

"For what?" Izzie asked.

"Love." Everyone else in the room answered at the same time.

"Why?" Izzie asked with a confused smile.

"Yeah, that's what I said." Jackson agreed.

"Okay, that's not the point." Cristina interjected, annoyed. "You know you couldn't do it." She seemed to start talking directly to Meredith now. "You know you'd choose the procedure."

"Fine!" Meredith shouted. "If I had to choose, gun to my head, I would choose surgery. Okay?" She gave her friend a fake smile as she spoke.

"Okay, well, thank you." Cristina replied with her hands still going a little crazy. "Is that so hard to say? I don't know why is it so bad to say that out loud?"

"Because it's crazy." Izzie answered, earning looks from Alex and Cristina. "It's crazy." She repeated with a firmer voice. "Surgery… It's just a job."

"Oh." Cristina immediately started to shake her head in disagreement.

"It's just a job. It's the thing you come home from, not the thing you come home to. And if you lose your job, you get another one, because there's always another one. But… If you lose your love… If you think you're losing your love… Well, then suddenly, nothing else matters." God, you could cut through the tension with a knife.

"This is what you guys talk about during lunch?" Thank Lord for Jackson's huge mouth.

"I'm with them. Love comes and goes. Surgery doesn't." Alex answered under his wife's intense stare.

When their pages went off, Nina didn't even mind that she barely ate anything because it literally felt like being saved by the bell from the most uncomfortable situation in the world. She quickly got up with Alex and Cristina as they left to get their patient's results.

* * *

Having a singer with pleural mesothelioma as their patient, right after that intense question was put into their hands; really gave a new perspective to things. The way Aaron Mafrici spoke about the need he had to save his lung, going so far as to say that he didn't wanna live if he couldn't sing anymore… It hit home and the intern wasn't the only one who felt it.

When she mulled over the whole _surgery or love_ question in her mind, Nina was sure the right answer was love, it was what most people would say because it seemed more dignified, more human but… Even if she didn't want to admit to herself, she knew that in the past she had chosen surgery over and over again and she wasn't sure if her future choices would differ much. But when you replace the word surgery with the word passion, things changed. Surgery wasn't just a job, it was their passion and Nina knew that love was nothing without passion.

Aaron Mafrici's tumor was huge, much bigger than they imagined, and the advisable thing to do was to remove not only his lung, but his diaphragm and pericardium as well. Fortunately for him, surgeons understood passion. With the patient's request in mind, Teddy made the decision to remove the visible tumor and treat the rest with intrapleural hyperthermic chemotherapy or, in other words, hot chemo lavage just like Dr. Bailey had done that morning.

* * *

She had just scrubbed out and was heading off to the intern locker room, ready to change and thinking the day had gone smoothly enough with the happy ending that Aaron had kept his lung. And then Alex came almost barreling into her, stopping her in the middle of the hallway.

"Hey." She frowned. "You ok?"

He stood in front of her in silence for what felt like minutes, staring but not seeing the intern. He hadn't said anything to her all day in regards of Izzie, she obviously knew his wife had come back but he hadn't mentioned it at all. Nina didn't know if he just didn't want to talk about it or if he simply didn't want to talk about _with her_ but she respected him and never once brought it up. But with the way he was standing in front of her now, she imagined it had something to do with that.

"I need to know why you left." Alex spoke quietly, ignoring her question.

"What?" That was not what she was expecting him to say.

"Izzie is back…" He said as if she didn't already know. "She wants to talk. And… I think she wants us… To get back together…" He shook his head as he took a quick look around but nobody was paying them attention. "I need to know, alright?" He stressed it. "Because I think… I've been telling myself that maybe I deserved it somehow but… I don't know anymore." He breathed out loudly. "So I need you to tell me why. I need to know if you had reasons… Because I'm realizing she didn't." His words didn't seem to make a lot of sense but Nina understood the undertone, he was asking if she had bigger reasons to leave than Izzie did.

"Alex." The intern sighed and took a step closer to him, wondering if she should give him a hug and if he would let her. "The only thing…" She paused to consider her words. "When I first started working here, the interns told me a lot of things... Gossip that I didn't really care for but I remember that when they told me your story, of you and Izzie… I thought we were the same." She bit her lips as he watched her closely. "But we're not." She took a deep breath. "The only thing Izzie and I have in common is that we both left."

"Why?" He asked with a pained voice. "Why did you leave?"

"Because…" She sighed. "Jake and I were hurting each other and I couldn't… I couldn't bear it anymore."

"Did you love him?" He asked quietly. "Did you love him when you left?" He repeated.

"Yes." She answered with a sad smile. "I always will."

"I don't think I deserve this." He admitted with an even quieter voice before looking at her again. "I think… I think I deserve more."

"Look…" She sighed as she placed her hands on his shoulders. "Jake and I had a lot of problems but it's taken me a while to see that it wasn't anybody's fault… Some people are just not good for each other." They stayed in silence for a few seconds as both seem to think over what was said.

"You think I'm a good guy?" His voice sounded so small that Nina almost felt her heart breaking.

"I think you're the best." She smiled before hugging him.

* * *

Opening up is a weird thing because the more you do, the less you're scared of doing it again. It's like unlocking a door and losing the key, you can't help what comes in and out anymore. She wanted to be sincere from now on, tell everyone the truth, actually answer whatever people seem to love asking and not just dance around the question. When she walked into Joe's bar that night, after leaving Alex alone so that he and Izzie could talk, Nina knew her former friends would be there and she was ready to put an end to the foolishness.

She found Sarah, Leo and Miles at a small table in the back of the bar, laughing and nursing their beers. For a few weeks, she had convinced herself that she didn't need them or that, as Callie had told her once, she didn't want to be friends with weak people but the truth was she actually liked them. They had fun together during those short three weeks where they were nice to each other and she wanted that back.

"I didn't sleep with Derek Shepherd." That was her greeting when she was close enough to be heard. "As a matter of fact, I haven't slept with anyone in…" She stopped to count in her mind. "Five months? Wow." She whispered to herself, even she was surprised, before focusing. "I'm not trying to get ahead. Or to be better than anyone… I just know what I want." She explained as the three watched her closely. "And I'm not sorry that I'm going after it."

The three interns watched her for a few more moments in silence before exchanging a look between them. Miles then turned to look behind him and Nina really thought they were going to ignore her once again, before he pulled a chair from the table behind him and slid it over for her to sit. She laughed under her breath in relief as she sat down and they smiled.

"I missed you guys." She confessed making them laugh.

"We missed you too." Leo said as he reached over and hugged her.

"Five months, huh?" Miles teased her. "Makes a lot of sense now."

"Shut up." She complained.


	9. landslide

**ix. landslide**

_(song by fleetwood mac)_

_._

_._

When you're an intern working 48 hours shifts every second day, it's easy to find yourself developing bad habits. Poor sleeping schedules, unhealthy eating, no exercising... But those were all things Nina didn't have a problem with; she slept when she could at the hospital, she practiced yoga in between surgeries and went for jogs whenever she could, she even cooked her own meals – not that she was a super good cook but things were _eatable_ and healthy –; her real problem was her social life, or lack thereof.

It wasn't like she didn't go out with friends, now that she was back in with the interns they went out after almost every shift. However when it came to people who didn't have to spend as much time inside SGMW as she did… She couldn't keep up. Her friends, who were also mostly interns or doctors themselves, understood completely that life gets busy sometimes but her family was a completely different story.

"Mom, I told you." Nina sighed into her phone as she walked out of the intern's locker room followed by Sarah and Miles. "I can't leave, I'm in the middle of my internship, I can't ask for time off now."

"Two days, Kahlani, that's all I'm asking for." Her mother stressed it.

"I'm sorry, ok?" She started to explain but her mother cut her off.

"Are you?" Her voice became a little louder, which was very unusual for her. "Because I don't know if I believe that… I mean, you were never very good at keeping contact or telling me what's going on in your life… But you call me in February, telling me you've been living in Washington since October!?" She closed her eyes; she knew her mother would bring it up again. "And you expect me not to even wanna see you?"

"Mom…" The three stopped walking when they saw Leo coming in their direction with the coffee they've asked for.

"No, Kahlani. I am your mother; I need to know that you're safe, healthy..."

"Mom, I'm fine." She interrupted before her mother could continue to guilt-trip her. "I promise I'll visit as soon as I can, but I can't right now. Maybe in July, after I take the intern exam, ok?"

"Kahlani." Her mother sighed.

"I have to go now, I've gotta work. Talk to you later, bye." She rushed into the goodbye before her mother could say anything else and hung up the phone.

Her mother had been trying to get her to go home for a few days ever since Nina told her she had moved to Seattle, something she only got the courage to do a couple of days ago. She understood that her mother was worried and just wanted to see her and make sure that nothing was wrong but on the other hand, she knew her mother would have a lot of questions and you can't hang up on someone in real life.

"Your mom wants you to go home?" Leo asked, catching the end of the conversation, with a laugh.

"Yeah." She rolled her eyes while taking her Mocha Latte from his hands. "My stepdad has this new store or studio opening or something, they're throwing him a party and she wants me go."

"Oh, that's sweet! Why don't you?" Sarah frowned. "You could ask for two days off, it's not a big deal."

"No, no, you don't get it." Nina laughed bitterly. "My stepdad is like... A businessman." She tried to find the right words to explain. "He owns a bunch of clothing stores, fast food franchises... A couple of years ago, he invested on a movie production company." She rolled her eyes. "Why would she throw him a party for opening a new store? It's just an excuse for me to go home, so she can grill me about why I left Chicago... And I'm just not ready to talk about it with her."

"Ah." The three nodded in understand.

"Why did you leave Chicago?" Miles asked.

"Seriously?" Nina squinted. "I'm not ready to talk about it with my mom, you think I'm gonna tell you?" She teased him and the others laughed.

"I bet Karev knows." Leo said in a sing-song voice.

"Aw." Nina gushed in a fake-sweet voice. "Are you jealous that I have other friends?" She pinched Leo's cheeks for good measure and he swatted her hands away with a roll of his eyes.

* * *

The interns gathered to watch Derek's big speech which was actually kind of lukewarm and disappointing but Nina didn't want to admit it because that was her mentor and she wanted to be supportive. Well, he probably wasn't her mentor anymore. As the new Interim Chief of Surgery, she imagined Derek wouldn't have much time to perform surgeries, let alone teach an almost-clueless intern while he was at it. Damn, her day was starting off rough.

"Hey." Nina smiled small as she walked up to Alex after her intern friends left to go look for their residents. "My mentor is the Chief. I'm out of a mentor." She complained. "Is that selfish to say?"

"A little." Alex shrugged one shoulder as he took her coffee from her hands and took a gulp out of it.

"Can I be with you today?" She asked after snatching her coffee back.

"You don't want that." He scoffed and she raised her eyebrows. "I'm on Peds."

"Oh." She winced. "Never mind then… I'm just gonna go to the pit." She shrugged and he laughed.

"You know, that's not how being an intern works. Your resident is supposed to tell you what to do, you don't get to decide." He pointed out with a shake of his head.

"Yeah but my resident could not care less." She reminded him. "I think Yang likes better when I'm not around her actually. I usually just stick to Shepherd but…" She shrugged again, gesturing with her hands to the stairs where Derek had walked up a few minutes ago.

"I think she likes you more than you think. She gives you free realm, she never did that with her other interns." He commented as the two started to leave the hall.

"Haven't you noticed?" Nina grinned cheekily. "I'm not like any other intern." She laughed at the look on his face before saying bye and going down to the pit, another day of suturing ahead of her.

* * *

Working on the Emergency Room truly wasn't as bad as everyone liked to make it seem, it was just… A little boring. While interns are eager little creatures, always trying to get themselves into surgeries; the pit wasn't the best place for that. Sure, every once in a while a surgical patient would come in but usually it was just someone who did something dumb and now needed a couple of stitches to fix it.

Nina's current patient however, Nate Ortiz, was an aspiring boxer that had severely miscalculated the force of his training opponent's punch and ended up with facial lacerations, a dislocated shoulder and possible bone fracture on his leg from taking a weird fall. He was definitely surgical and in desperate need of an ortho consult.

"Dr. Torres." Nina greeted the attending when she found her by a nurse's station with Mark and, surprisingly, Miles.

"Hey, what's up?" Callie responded with a smile.

"I have a patient, down in the pit, who needs an ortho consult, he's got a dislocated shoulder but I think there might be some bone fracture on his leg."

"Oh, ok. Let's go." She nodded for Nina to follow her.

"I…" The intern hesitated. "Uh, I would also like to request not to be on his service." Nina said quietly.

"Ugh, why? Is he an ass?" Callie groaned, imagining that would be the reason the intern would reject a possible surgery.

"No." Nina shook her head. "He's a nice guy… Funny…" She explained, painfully aware that she was gonna have to give a real reason.

"Why are you getting rid of him then?" Miles asked. "He's surgical." He widened his eyes as if to tell her to stop being dumb.

"Uh, no reason." She mumbled. "He's ortho. I'm trying to find a Neuro case."

"Yeah, I don't buy that." Mark interjected as he leaned over the nurse station.

"It's nothing, ok?" Nina rolled her eyes at the two's questions.

"Oh, now you got all of us invested." Callie scoffed. "What's wrong with this guy?"

"Ugh." She groaned, shaking her head and looking around for an escape route.

"Come on White, kill the suspense and just tell us why you're trying to get rid of him." Mark complained.

"Ok, you wanna know?" She rolled her eyes. "The patient is the hottest man I've ever seen in my entire life, and he's nice and funny and keeps flirting with me." She spoke quickly, making the three stare at her with increasingly desires to laugh. "Which isn't a good thing! Because I have sworn off men but when he flirts with me I wanna have sex with him. And I can't." She sighed at the end of the sentence before turning to Callie. "If I walk into that room again and he flirts with me one more time… I'm gonna jump his bones." The three laughed out loud then, not being to control it anymore.

"…He's that hot?" Callie raised an eyebrow.

"So pretty it makes me wanna cry."

"Ok, nobody is that good looking." Mark scoffed.

"He's probably not…" Miles said, teasing his friend. "She hasn't had any in a while."

"Miles!" Nina complained loudly. "Don't talk about my sex life with our bosses!" She whispered to him as if Mark and Callie couldn't hear it.

"How long is a while?" Mark smirked as he raised his eyes at the interns.

"Please." Nina begged Callie to let her off the hook and away from the comfortable situation.

"Why don't you go look for Arizona?" Callie suggested, smirk still in place but feeling bad for the intern. "I think she had something of a mystery today."

"Peds?" Nina scrunched up her nose but, after receiving a glare from the attending, changed her mind instantly. "Peds! Love me some Peds!" She squealed before walking away.

* * *

For a few seconds, while she looked for Arizona, she wondered if anyone would notice if she just went home; that's how much she didn't want to work on Peds. But alas, the undying thirst for surgery was something very hard to keep down and the intern found herself sticking with Alex as he checked on his patient in the I.C.U. Brad Walker was a teenager who came in with complaints of abdominal pain; Alex and Arizona had performed an exploratory laparoscopy prior to Nina joining them, to see what was wrong but he became unstable during surgery and they had to place a central line, but it kinked, so they had to put in a chest tube.

"Do you really think Shepherd's gonna cut all of us?" Reed suddenly entered the room, interrupting as Alex and Nina changed Brad's bandages.

"What?" Alex frowned.

"The Mercy Westers. Do you think we're all gone?" She questioned him again, to Nina's annoyance because she still had not forgotten that lie / gossip the resident had told Derek some weeks ago. "I mean, just tell me if you think I need to start looking for a job." Nina smirked to herself as she kept quiet; pleased to hear her concern.

"Is there a reason our son is in I.C.U.?" An older couple walked into the room, clearly the teenager's parents.

"Did you figure out what's wrong?" The woman, probably his mother, asked.

"Uh, not exactly." Alex stopped his work to look up at the parents.

"Why does he have a tube in his chest?" The woman questioned as she looked over the unconscious boy. "You said you were doing abdominal surgery."

"Brad became briefly unstable in surgery, so we had to put in a central line." Alex started explaining to the parents. "Well, it's got a little kink, so his lung, it started…"

"Alex!" Nina called out for the resident when she noticed the blood in his chest tube.

"Hang on." The father interrupted. "Are you saying you cut into our son for nothing and caused more damage?"

"Wait. What?" Alex frowned at the man's words.

"Blood." Nina called his attention louder, Reed joining her as she noticed it too.

"Blood. There is a lot of blood in the chest tube." Reed said to him, standing by his side.

"What? Oh, my god." Alex spoke softly. "Get-get a chest tray and some gloves." He said to the intern and she turned to start doing so.

"He's already put out 700 CC's of blood." Nina informed the resident as nurses started coming into the room.

"What's going on?" The kid's father demanded to know, noticing how intense it suddenly got.

"Sir, you need to leave right now." Nina spoke to the worried father.

"Like hell we're leaving. Somebody tell us what's going on." He complained loudly, still looking to Alex in anger.

"He's crashing." Alex announced to the room. "Page cardio and Robbins."

"We can't wait for Cardio." Nina turned to her friend, worried that it would take too long for someone else to get there.

"Crap!" Alex shook his head as he was gowned by the nurses. "I need to open him up." He said what the intern had already been thinking. "Scalpel."

Helping Alex crack a teenager's chest in the I.C.U., under the fearful stare of the kid's parents, with that much tension in the air… It was intensely awakening, if Nina had to choose the words to describe. For a few seconds, she felt like everything had faded away; the sound of the nurses and Reed speaking, the beeping from the machines, the yells from the parents… Nothing mattered, aside from Alex with his hand inside the boy's chest as he tried to find the source of the bleeding.

"Let me in." Teddy walked up to the bed. "What happened?"

"He put out more than 2 liters of blood in the last five minutes, but I think I found the source, 'cause the bleeding started to calm down." Alex explained it all in one breath.

"All right. Jump on. We're moving to the O.R." Teddy commanded before turning to Nina. "Page Cristina Yang."

* * *

Scrubbing into Brad's ruptured aortic arch dissection repair with Alex and Teddy was incredible, the highlight of a weird day for the intern. It almost made her rethink her dislike for Peds. But it also kind of brought something new to Nina's perspective: Alex Karev was a badass. She had worked with the resident before, she knew he was capable and skilled from the moment she met him on her first day at SGMW; he was the only one who took initiative and followed her advice on starting a crike on the burn victim, Cathy Becker.

"Man, that was really cool." She gushed in a breath to Alex at the end of the day, finding him coming out of the resident's lounge.

"What? Me yelling at his dad?" Alex scoffed with a smile and Nina laughed.

"Well, that too but I meant the surgery and you! You-you were amazing! The way you just put your hand inside his chest… I… Wow." She told him, grinning as they walked together.

"Look at that… You almost sound like you liked working in Peds." He smirked at her.

"I wouldn't go that far." She giggled before turning to him fully. "But you. Seriously… You were great today." She smiled at him, her voice coming out as sincere as she felt. "I think Peds is really for you."

"Yeah." He smiled with a shrug as he looked up at her. "I think so too."

They got into the elevator together and pressed for the down floor before Alex asked if she wanted to get some drinks, which she agreed but as they walked across the street she remembered she had promised to meet the other interns at Joe's bar and they'd probably be waiting for her.

"It's cool, I'll head home then." Alex said to her.

"No, come on. You can join us."

"I'd rather not." He shook his head, laughing under his breath and she rolled her eyes.

"Ok." She sighed before grinning. "The sooner you get home, the sooner you get to the gift I got you."

"What? You got me a gift?"

"Yep." She giggled. "Meredith helped me; it's in your room."

"You talked to Mer?" He asked with raised eyebrows, Nina rolled her eyes at the question.

"Didn't I say that she was gonna end up liking me?" The two laughed. "Seriously, go home and enjoy my present."

"Fine." He laughed. "See you tomorrow."

* * *

Nina never really considered herself to be someone who was afraid of things; she thought she was the exact opposite actually. Fear, to her, was just that tiny and annoying flutter in her stomach before she had to make a decision. She could usually ignore it and go with what she wanted but ever since her relationship with Jake ended, she had become more reserved and hesitant. Hence why she couldn't even remember the last time she had sex; it's literally been that long.

The thought of going back out there, dating again, meeting new people, having sex… It would mean that it was really over, and she hadn't been ready for that before now. But today, treating that boxer in the E.R. who couldn't stop staring at her and giving her compliments… She felt ready or at least halfway there.

"So." Miles came over to their table with their beers. "Nate Ortiz, the boxer, gave me this." He said before taking a piece of paper from his pocket and handing it to Nina.

"What is it?" Sarah asked before craning her neck to take a look at the digits written on paper, Nate Ortiz's phone number. "Oooh."

"What?" Leo asked confused from the other side of the table.

"He asked me to give Nina his number." Miles explained with a grin.

"Are you gonna call?" Sarah asked eagerly.

"No." Nina rolled her eyes before tossing the piece of paper back in Miles' direction.

"Why not?" Leo frowned. "You said it yourself, it's been five months." The three snickered and she huffed at the teasing.

"I'm just not ready to date men right now…" She explained the best she could, as she still hadn't told the interns about Jake and their marriage.

"Date men…?" Leo repeated with a frown.

"Oh." Miles grinned wider after gasping slightly. "You're into women too!"

"Occasionally." Nina shrugged to the two boy's delight.

"Well… Are you ready to date women?" Sarah asked as she looked at her friend.

"Maybe… I guess. I don't know."

That was the only thing she had to say before her three friends became determined to find a woman in the bar for her to go home with that day. Nina found it a little annoying at first, before she started laughing at her friend's critiques of the women around and ultimately becoming invested when they pointed out a pretty brunette sitting at the bar and nursing a shot of whisky.

Maybe she was already buzzed, maybe it really had been too long, but Nina found herself approaching the bar and striking up a small conversation with the woman. Her name was Stella, she was 22 and worked in a chocolate store nearby; she had gotten out of work and stopped for a drink before going home. It was nice, Nina thought, the chase; before she found herself kissing a strange woman in a bar filled with her work colleagues to her friend's loud enthusiasm.


End file.
